I feel ashamed. Overwhelmed. Today and yesterday, because I wasn’t in as much pain as earlier on in the week, I fell into some of the same old “seeking out harm but disguising it as healthy behaviour” traps as I always do. I took all the painkillers I’m allowed to take and drank caffeine and alcohol along with my ritalin, barely ate anything, engaged in a physical activity that was too rough for my current state for hours while socialising with literal strangers to the point where some of them seemed to indicate potentially forming a mild sexual interest in me.
I don’t know how to end this post. I feel gross. I guess I’m more out of it than I thought.