TF if you really want to change and heal and improve your life you gotta stop coming here man.
Next week at this time you should be sleeping for your next day at work and the fun things you have planned for yourself afterwards, like going out for cofe with someone nice or creating something you're proud of. Then the day after it's Friday, and you have a whole weekend of festivities out there in the wide open world.
Otherwise you're going to be stuck in a loop. And you'll be here forever.
Be better to yourself.

Hoping you find peace TF. This is no way for a man to live.