I've never dated anyone because I'm too afraid of breaking up.

I'm 20 years old

>>40228645
They love me and I love them
But since love always ends in heartache disappearing is the best solution to it

i tried. i graduated. i applied to so many jobs. i applied to university. its all just so tiring. through none of it i ever got anywhere. i never learned to socialize or be funny or how to be happy.
at this point, all i want is to die with someone i love. maybe not even die with them. they can move on. but someone who can accept how i am and that i'm not meant for this world. who can love me for the short time im left here; who i can feel assured that they'll be okay after i'm gone.
i enjoy my hobbies. whenever there's a woman engaged in one, she's there with someone else. there's no point.
i try dating apps. the only girls that match with me are thousands of miles away. the last 3 have been in indonesia for fucks sake. i live in texas.
do i just suck it up and kill myself already?