>>40029822
My friend saw me off on my last day after hanging out for a few hrs. I was struck with a sense of melancholy once we went our separate ways, and some of her last words ("I want you to come to <city name>") hung in my mind the whole ride back. I kinda was struck with the kind of feeling I got when I enlisted... like a rope was closing around my neck and pulling me away from happiness... I wanted to run, but I knew that would be even worse.

I've been thinking a lot lately... What do you do in a hopeless situation, when happiness seems to have become impossible? That's what life feels like to me over the past year or two. Nothing in my current life brings me any joy except the small group of queer friends I've made online. Sure, my kids give me sparks of it, but they bring quite a lot of frustration as well and... it makes me feel bad that I often wish I could just walk away - I can't and won't because their lives are best with me... but my life pretty much is a cycle of work > childcare > chores > repeat on endless loop and it's grinding my soul away...
Doesn't help that me and my husband are at odds. I think our relationship is dead in the water. Even when things are "better", he feels like a roommate at best, not a lover or a partner. And when things are bad, they're really bad... the way he belittles me just shatters my soul - and he threatens suicide if I even suggest something is wrong with our relationship, so therapy is off the table...
There's a lot more to it, but this is already gonna be a 2 part post... I was, for a brief moment, happy, and now that I'm back in my house sitting on my couch with my laptop typing this out... the sudden immersion into misery has been enough to draw tears multiple times each day...

That's more than enough blog posting from me. I'll prob loop through the thread after some other folks have made some replies so I haven't posted enough. Just kinda wanted get some stuff out
Question for the crowd: What makes you happy?