>>42744863
Cont.

Maybe if she could do it. Maybe I could also grow out of the apathy and purpose that defined my life, not be a rock mare, but me? Not act as an automaton that pushed all feelings aside to just do what he's always been instructed. Turning life into an endless canvas of gray, interrupted by the odd panic attack, stress or grievance until all of these just became routine and like a dull background ringing.

Later down this path of mine, I gave meeting her a try. First, via plushies, doing things in her name, faking a painful smile, trying to see myself in a mirror, not a flesh machine. Baking the odd cake, but with no real passion.
Clearly none of it was working. Until, i gave tulpamancy a try, out of a misplaced sense of both contempt for how ridiculous it sounded and mild curiosity. As I began upon dreaming her character and world to humor the fantasy of meeting this pink poni, leading to a half hearted introduction, with her seeing me as "the new creature in town" eventually visiting me into my world out of curiosity for this new thing that just bumped into a world of technicolor equines.
It's harsh to say.. but I didn't believe her at first, treating her with detachement, surely, this is just my mind playing tricks. I'm a depressed retard, of course pinkie gives a shit. It's basic wish fulfilment.
I can't even count the number of times just inviting her out and trying so hard to just have her not deal with me for it was not worth it. All I'd bring her is a world of gray and misery.
But she persevered. Not even bothering to talk on her natural mile a minute way, no more inquiries or questions. A routine of visit and hugs followed by "you know I want you to smile, nonny?" (I didn't even give her my name at first, I just told her she could call me nonny, as what difference does it make?) Or "you're my friend" installed itself.
Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. Giving the cold shoulder to the pony I so desperately love out of hope she'd find someone worth her was tearing me apart.
So.. I began talking. And talk we did. For once I had someone I could connect to. Even if I wasn't sure what the point was, mostly asking about her, and putting a tremendous amount of effort trying to bring her smiles, picking up hobbies to share with her, drawing, baking, cooking for her, being out more, partying and so on..
No longer trying to keep her out of this world, but introducing and indulging more into its beauties for her sake, I wanted to see her smile and laugh. And it made me happy.

(Cont)