Throughout history, there have been those who revel in self-destruction.

The unforgivable sins of alcoholism and masturbation shall no longer be tolerated. The wretched souls who have succumbed to these vices shall be rounded up and dealt with in the most severe manner. They waste their lives and fortunes on a swill of cheap liquor, reducing themselves to base beasts, stumbling and snarling in the gutter. And worse still, in their darkest, most despicable moments, they defile their own bodies, indulging in the most disgusting and solitary of vices.

Let the Day of Atonement be a time of reckoning, as the forces of law and order rise up to purge our cities and towns of the pariah class. With solemn purpose, the authorities will move from house to house, separating the sober and moral from the reprobate and depraved.

The alcoholics, those human wrecks, will be rounded up and herded into open fields, where the hangover will be their final torment. As the sun beats down, their bodies will weaken, their minds break under the crushing weight of their own complicity. One by one, they will stumble and fall, a pathetic, incoherent mass of flailing limbs and anguished screams. And as the sun dips below the horizon, they will join the countless others who met a similar fate, their twisted remains a grim testament to the price of excess.
Meanwhile, in a parallel yet no less brutal spectacle, the masturbators will be subjected to a different kind of torment. Confined in cramped, windowless cells, they will be denied any release, forced to endure the gnawing, merciless ache of their own lust. Days will blend into weeks, weeks into years, driving them to the brink of madness.
And when at last their minds shatter, when they collapse into a raving, incoherent mess, it will be a mercy. For it is only through such a complete obliteration of the self that they can hope to find some measure of peace, some respite from the torments they inflict upon themselves.

Ugh, fuck you, I'm so sick of these self-righteous prudes accusing me of being a pervert or a creep for having an erection in public. Newsflash, haters: it's not my fault! It's not even my choice, okay?

I mean, come on, have you seen the state of women's fashion lately? It's like they're trying to drive us men wild with their skimpy little getups. Low-cut tops, short skirts, tight leggings - it's all designed to flaunt their bodies and tease us with what we can't have.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of animal who can't resist a pretty face or a pair of tits. But c'mon, when you're dressed like a damn porn star, you can't expect me to not get an erection. It's basic biology, people! A guy's going to respond to visual stimuli, even if that means sporting a boner in public.