Ever since the pandemic and me getting introduced to so much information regarding women, extremist politics, education, ect., I honestly can't feel anything for people in general. Don't get me wrong, I care about people and children and some animals, but generally I have this level of disconnect, like I'm in another reality, watching from the outside. Lately all I have are invasive sexual or violent thoughts, mostly none of which make me happy with myself. I sometimes mull over the conversations I should have stood on, or the girls that I should have pursued, along with the failed pursuits & like clockwork I start comparing my life to others who have things and experiences that I never was able to cultivate for myself. My previous friend group imploded because of people prioritizing their romantic relationships over their friendships, and I ended up with only one person I can say understands me, a quality friend - but the pain of losing so many other longtime friends hurt me more than I think I can admit to myself.
In half a year I turn 32, and I think the cultivation of my pain and suffering is making me slowly lose my mind, more so than my suicidal ideation days as a teen.
I just wanted to live a simple life, with a simple job and a gf who loved me, but now I'm sure I'm more likely gonna end up one of those unloved creepy middle aged men, homeless and suffering from some undiagnosed disease. I'm too jaded to even want to self improve, I imagine all the people only coming to me about my looks or status if I gained those and feel resentful for that kind of love or adoration. I'm not gonna say I want to kill myself, but I really pray reincarnation or some type of reset is possible. Can't go much worse than this purposeless, sad existence I've carved out for myself.