>>18692998
137.

I've lost five pounds since the 26th. Success? Something good to come out of the misery, I suppose. For all of my negativity and pessimism, I still can’t seem to stop myself from trying to search for the positives. I wish that I didn't. I would rather wallow in pitch blackness than be distracted by a small sliver of light. False hope. It always is. Food has become a game. The pit in my stomach is more or less gone, at least in the moments I'm not thinking of her. Could I force down food? Probably. But fasting kills time. How long can I go? 47 hours? New high score!

Time. It's all about time. I mentioned that it ticks agonizingly slow while mourning. They tell you that this too shall pass. All it takes is time. So what do you do to kill it? I managed to get out of bed on Sunday and make it to my desk. I’m finally able to keep track of days now. I turned on my PC. I have every console game released between 1977 and 2006 stored between a 1.5 TB microSD card and a couple external SSDs. My Steam account has over 500 titles in it. I scroll aimlessly. Thousands of games. Not a single one catches my interest. I stare at the screen and force myself to open something. There's an outstanding little Steam indie game called The Coin Game. It's an arcade simulator built in Unity by one guy. Your favorite redemption games are recreated in glorious first person 3D. Coin pushers, claw machines, that kind of thing. It’s quite a charming experience. I highly recommend that you check it out. I wandered aimlessly in the game world. Scratched off a few lottery tickets. Drove the golf cart around the city. I tried to time myself to see how fast I could make a complete loop. A game within a game, if you will. It grows tiresome. I set up in front of the Monster Drop game. I try to see how many times in a row I can win the mega jackpot. I managed to do it twice. A mild sense of accomplishment. I close the game out. Three more hours down the drain. It’s something.