i feel like im cooked for good anons

i have a severe self harm addiction (not really linked to my depression, instead im just addicited to pain. works like a stimulant, drugs or whatever)
im forever stuck in a cycle of healing and then tearing myself apart again

its been like that for years now and i dont imagine it getting any better. it keeps progressing. started as scratching, then cuts. going deeper, exposing fat layers. seeing muscle, ending up with 10+ cm long and 5+ cm wide wounds that heal for months. now its even more disgusting, i started skinning myself + using scissors to cut chunks of my skin off.
countless times i found mummified chunks of my flesh (skin, fat layer) laying around on my floor, rotting.

my room reeks of blood and wounds both because of me and a drawer full of blood soaked shirts. i used to have a "blood drawer" as well, a big plastic container full of it. i left it rotting for nearly a year but had to throw it out because the smell started to drive me insane (i still have pics though)

so yeah, disgusting. i had to get it off my chest somewhere. i have pics of it all, can post if needed, idc anymore.

the only cute gay boy ive been talking to recently and had chances with just got deported. fml