i feel like im cooked for good anons

i have a severe self harm addiction (not really linked to my depression, instead im just addicited to pain. works like a stimulant, drugs or whatever)
im forever stuck in a cycle of healing and then tearing myself apart again

its been like that for years now and i dont imagine it getting any better. it keeps progressing. started as scratching, then cuts. going deeper, exposing fat layers. seeing muscle, ending up with 10+ cm long and 5+ cm wide wounds that heal for months. now its even more disgusting, i started skinning myself + using scissors to cut chunks of my skin off.
countless times i found mummified chunks of my flesh (skin, fat layer) laying around on my floor, rotting.

my room reeks of blood and wounds both because of me and a drawer full of blood soaked shirts. i used to have a "blood drawer" as well, a big plastic container full of it. i left it rotting for nearly a year but had to throw it out because the smell started to drive me insane (i still have pics though)

so yeah, disgusting. i had to get it off my chest somewhere. i have pics of it all, can post if needed, idc anymore.

>>81663352 (OP)
Assuming this by the off chance isnt bait, what the fuck dude

>>81663352 (OP)

Anon... have you tried... actual drugs...? Maybe in the place of this... proclivity?

I do have one question, anon. Do you live alone?

>>81663372
i wish i was baiting so bad lol

>>81663401
i live with my parents, im 18 (world record for fucking my life before 20 claimed successfully)

i try my best to limit the smells and hide everything. at first glance my room looks fairly normal. they dont come in often, always knock, dont go through my stuff (thank god).

theyre aware that i do it but they're arent aware how bad it is, last time they saw a scar or anything of this sort was years ago. now i look way more fucked up but its my upper legs and arms, all "hideable" to look normal when i have to go into the public (except a one long asf wound thats healing on my forearm right now)

i love them, i wish they had a different kid but i try to be my best around them despite being this fucked up deep down

>>81663352 (OP)
please find something healthier to be addicted to. like meth or ketamine.

fucking hell. legendary r9k find

can we call you cutanon now

>>81663352 (OP)
what was the tipping point for you? when did you discover your love for pain?

>>81663352 (OP)
Yeah pretty cooked, I don't see a future with us, but I will pray for you.

>>81663748
it was more of a gradual decline. i started small with scratches and got more pain tolerant with time.

it doesn't even hurt now most of the time (or it does and i cant even tell because of how used to it i am, got immune lmao)
thats why i keep experimenting and going further (like skinning or cutting chunks off like i mentioned earlier, might try burning)

i attached an old pic to visualize it a bit better lol

>>81663352 (OP)
>>81663556
>>81663888
you need a hug, man
you're not alone in this

Jesus fucking Christ Anon, have you ever tried going to therapy, or getting any sort of professional help

>>81663904
i tried once but the therapist didnt want to continue with me. he got seriously freaked out and looked at me like i was about to jump him and to the same to him which yeah, definitely not lmao.

besides that im scared of getting forcefully admitted into a psych ward so i didnt try again

>>81663352 (OP)
plz do meth so i can watch u skin urself in a public park cuz the usual craven lunatics outside are boring me

>>81663352 (OP)
I'm massively torn between wanting to see the wounds and wanting to help you
Lowkey also hate admitting that I'm kinda attracted to that kind of shit

If you need someone to talk to about it I'd offer though, no judging but you should try to be careful to not get any kind of infections at least

Anon can we see the wounds if you have pics?

>>81664528
yeah you can see most of them on my telegram. another level of fucked up but i made an "archive" channel of all my wounds. or rather most of them because some i forgot to post there/didnt bother.

ill reply with my largest here though, im pretty sure that isnt there
https://t.me/+KRfUxlzavV5kZmQ0

>>81664977

really shitty quality, im aware. as you can imagine i was pretty shaken up when taking these lol

Wow champ, that is fucked. What a thing to happen upon whilst drinking my morning coffee before waging.

>>81663352 (OP)
Why don't you just kill yourself? I'm sure dead will be better for you anon

this thread is fucked

>>81663352 (OP)
Hello Anon. You need to stop. If professionals won't even dare to help you, then you are truly alone in this and need to Turn to Christ / Find God or something. I once had a discord girlfriend who told me that she cuts and I was really confused, so I told her to "show me" and she dipped. Hope you can get whatever drugs to make you stop

>>81663352 (OP)
i get you so bad anon. ive had this issue for years, everytime i try to stop it comes back worse. i used to want to get better. then i found out im basically a hopeless case lol.
i was groomed into it back when i was 13.

have you tried harm reduction, by any chance? it helps me not do any fatal cuts. i understand its hard as fuck to stop. i truly do. take care of yourself anon.

>>81665020
>ad will be better for you anon
i hope you fucking die in a hole, there is always hope to get better. genuinely gfys.