INSIDER SCOOP: CODE RED SIRENS SCREAM ACROSS YOUR PHONES, TVs, AND THAT WEIRD SMART TOASTER YOU BOUGHT

The screen crackles to life, and there’s President Trump, grinning like he just sold the moon for a profit, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Scott Bessent, who’s probably wondering if he signed up for this level of chaos. Trump, with that signature squint, declares a NATIONAL EMERGENCY cue dramatic music. He drops the bombshell: the U.S. Treasury is DONE issuing treasuries. Kaput. Finito. The bond market? Sent to the glue factory. “We’re swimming in tariff cash, folks, $4 BILLION, best tariffs ever,” he boasts, winking like he’s letting you in on a secret. “We’re paying down the national debt, and we don’t need those dusty old treasuries anymore. Tremendous move, believe me.”

Wall Street loses its collective mind. Traders are yeeting themselves across desks, trying to snatch up bonds before the guillotine drops. The bond market implodes, the Linkies Yield Program collapses into a digital dumpster fire, and the ETH yield crowd is out here crying into their crypto wallets. Absolute pandemonium. Some poor guy Andrew Yang, maybe?gets his hand crushed in the stampede for the last scraps of bonds. Should’ve stuck to UBI, buddy.

Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders, wild hair flapping like a distressed pigeon, calls an emergency Bitcoin meeting. His big plan? Buy Canadian treasuries. The room gags in unison, and someone yeets him out a window, probably a low one, don’t worry, he’s fine. Elizabeth Warren swoops in, all serious, proclaiming that states will have to issue their own bonds to keep their programs alive. Cue every governor Googling “how to make bonds” while sweating profusely.

Folks, we’re in the eye of the financial hurricane now. Grab your popcorn and maybe a gold bar or two ain’t nothing we can do, but watch this circus burn!