Mesoamerican history be like
>Lord Tzocmatitl of Fajo de Puta sleeps with, and then sacrifices, the daughter of Huitzillohuihui, lord of Penis Hill
>Huitzillohuihui, seeking to avenge this humiliation against him and his bloodline, undermines Fajo de Puta's system of alliances and tributes by convincing their lords to betray the city
>some of the more noteworthy vassals to have been persuaded by him were Lord 40 Cakes, who had switched sides in various conflicts approximately 1200 times, and Lord 8 Turkey, whose reign was fraught with instability due to rumors that he was anally birthed as a result of a homosexual affair between his father and Lord Tzocmatitl
>It is generally thought that Penis Hill's strategic location between routes transporting Cacao from the Mayan city-state of K'ek and obsidian dildos from Teotihuacan granted it leverage with which to forge these new alliances
>some scholars disagree with this view however, such as Prof. Tardbum, who states that "nobody could possibly be that gay" and pointed towards ona-holes made from cottton fibers and agave flesh found at various sites in the region as proof of an elaborate ideological complex that Penis Hill established
>after some intricate diplomatic and military maneuvering, Lord Huitzillohuihui forced Lord Tzocmatitl into a pitched battle on the shores of lake Xiticaca
>Lord Huitzillohuihui's strength: unknown
>Lord Tzocmatitl's strength: unknown
>casualties: unknown
>There is some debate between scholars on whether this conflict was an actual historical event, or an elaborate metaphor warning of the dangers of excessive Pulque consumption