Remember? The one literally everyone calls the greatest of all time? The one that shaped entire genres, inspired generations of developers, and still gets perfect review scores decades later? Yeah… it actually SUCKS. I played it for like 40 minutes on an emulator on my Chromebook while half-watching Twitch and eating gas station taquitos, and I just didn’t get it. The graphics are ‘old’ (translation: it’s not Fortnite), the music sounded ‘weird’ (translation: it’s not lo-fi beats to study to), and the controls made me think (translation: I have the reaction speed of a sedated sloth). I died a few times because the game expected me to learn mechanics instead of holding my hand like a triple-A baby’s-first-press-X-to-awesome cinematic. Clearly, decades of universal praise, cultural impact, and industry-defining innovation mean nothing, because my hot take—formed in the time it takes to microwave pizza rolls—is the one that finally exposes this overrated dumpster fire. Sorry you wasted your childhoods, cope harder, seethe forever, and maybe touch some grass while you’re at it.