>>509504671 >Be American >Wake up >Drink a 2L of Dr. Pepper to get rid of headache >Feeling hungry >UberEats some McDonalds >2 Big Macs and a large fries for a light breakfast >Watch the driver drop off the order >Tip him $10 >Wait 20 minutes at the door with a gun in case he returns and gets mad at the tip >He doesn’t come back, glad you don’t have to shoot him like the last guy >Eat breakfast and put on WalMart vest >Get in car >Feel thirsty on the way to work >Go to 7/11, grab a 64oz slurpee and bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos >Wait in line >Guy in front of you shoots the cashier >Try to get the cashier’s attention to pay >He doesn’t respond >Drop a $20 on the counter ($10.99 plus $9.01 tip) >Arrive at WalMart for work watching self checkout >Walk past 84-year-old greeter who is lying on the floor >Work part time 12-hour shift >Go to clock out >Manager comes over >He draws his gun and starts yelling at you for clocking out 30 seconds too early >Start doing Happy WalMart Dance™ to appease him >He claps his hands with glee and puts his gun away >Crisis averted >Walk back to car >Two people fighting over a shopping cart >Both draw guns and start shooting >Bullet ricochets and hits you >Bleeding pretty badly >Call Uber to go to hospital >Get dropped off at hospital >Tip driver $50 >Get treated for bullet wounds >Only $243,647.88. Score! Only have to leave a $35,499.53 tip >Leave hospital >See Uber driver walking towards you >Uh oh >He yells at you about the tip >Cop walking by shoots him >You go to thank the cop >Cop clears his throat and holds his hand out >You reach for your wallet to tip him >No money >Cop’s face gets red, he starts yelling at you >”SIR! DROP THE WEAPON! SIR! STOP SMOKING CRACK! SIR! YOU ARE INTOXICATED! SIR! STOP RESISTING! SIR!” >”But I don’t—“ you start to say >”SIR DROP THE WEAPON!” >He shoots you >Go back to hospital >Look at your phone >It’s from work >Fired from WalMart for being 5 seconds late to work
