>“Everybody’s been asking me, ‘What on earth are you going to say at Bourdain’s roast? He’s been shit-talking your name everywhere.’ And I’ve been saying, ‘Don’t you worry about me. I won’t touch him with a 10-pole, because smack-talking Bourdain would be like hitting a piñata full of shit.’ Real messy. I want everyone to understand that I’m going to be the bigger man. I’m going to take the high road. I wouldn’t dare come up here and call Anthony Bourdain any of these things that people have called him: No-good, loud mouth, jerkoff, wannabe authority, pseudo rebel, nerd, shit-talking, blow hard, celebrity-seeking, Eric-Ripert coattail, Mario Batali ass-kissing hate monger... Jose Canseco of the food world, snaggle tooth, Lurch-looking motherfucker. No, I’m here to take the high road. Anthony, I gotta ask a question, why do you hate me so much brother? ... Is it because you went to a fancy culinary school and I didn’t? I hear you’re the only one in class who did most of his cooking with a spoon and a Bic lighter."