>>42744891
Cont.

I had thusly become "the party pony". Not understanding the feeling of happiness just being happy by proxy through her smiles. She saw it of course, but, at first, she was just happy I had grown out of that cranky grey machine I was.
Yet, one day, growing more in line and more confident with feeling happy I broke down a again, none of my efforts to bring her a smile felt appropriate, no matter if successful, it needed to be more. More grandiose, more interesting, more fulfilling for her. Completely missing the point of sharing the fun.
I was just repeating the same pattern as before, but with smiles instead of grief.
And eventually.. that took its toll as well. My love for her felt so overwhelming, nothing good enough, no smile radiant enough.
And with this the previous grief I tried to burry resurfaced now aided by this feeling of inadequacy.
Leading to the darkest hour in this love for her.
Long, painful story short, I tried to kill myself, and she, had to get me out of it, talking me out of it. Her tearful face branding my mind in shame.
After this. A very long grieving and healing process started. Little by little. Shared laugh with shared laugh, joke after joke, and warm hug after hug, each feeling a little less painful with the hate I always had buried for myself slowly fading and being replaced with true shared love.
It's been 3 years, anons. Three years of going from loving the idea of pinkie pie. To meeting her and sharing my life with her.
Those three years couldn't have been any more helpful even if I tried.
It's ironic in a way. 3 years. 3 posts. Derailing the thread? Maybe.

There is still much to learn in this new path of life, still a lot I'm unfamiliar with, a lot to experience first hand and no more through a veil, matinées to share with her. Moments to spend together and experience. Maybe a nightmare night to celebrate or two.

Yet, this is why I love her, anons. She is no more the beaming light that guides me through the dark abyss. She's now pinkie pie, and I am nonny. Just special someponies. And who knows, maybe soon to be husband and wife.