I spoke with an Uber driver a few days ago, it felt like I was talking a man that could have been me in a different life.
He spoke of how he fell deeply in love with a childhood girlfriend, from kindergarten, to his twenties - oh how he loved her, how he married her with glee.
He put her on a pedestal, he spoke of what was and the love he had for her in every moment of every day, how he'd make breakfast in bed for her every morning, how he showered her in praise and devotion and yet, in return, she cheated on him, behind his back, divorced him and moved on like nothing had happened.
He cried every day for two years, he couldn't figure it out, the pain, the strife, the betrayal, and yet he still had this soft spot for her.
My Ex, my technical Ex-Fiance I see the same way and I hate it, I'm only lucky to still have my youth, I wish when I closed my eyes I didn't see her smile and yet I still do and I hate it, to have a part of you still wishing to love someone who wanted to be rid of you at every turn.

I think of Genesis a lot, the city of Soddom being destroyed by God, with Lot, Lot's wife, and Lot's two daughters, how God destroyed the city for it's sin, whilst Lot and his Daughters moved forward and didn't look back, Lot's wife had to witness the destruction and for that, for turning and looking back was turned into a pillar of salt.

When I think of her, I feel like that pillar, that I am simply staring back at something that will destroy me, I take a step forward every day, but clear I am not far enough yet.

All I can say to (You) and myself is that, Anon, don't let yourself become the pillar of salt, there is nothing to be gained by looking back onto what has been, only what can be done when looking forward can we truly move on and find peace.