The render came out fine, and I would argue it was the best 3D render in my class, but it also kinda sucks. It's the thing I'm most proud of in my whole art school exp, and I spent more time and effort on blender than on anything else, it felt like all my classmates where better than me at drawing and painting and graphic design but this was the one thing that I was actually good at (or at least passionate enough at to bleed for the most).
I passed the program 3 weeks ago. I've never been so physically and emotionally burnt out my life. I'm glad I took the program and I'm glad I passed it, but I don't plan on applying to any further study at formal art school. You have to be in peak physical and mental condition to just survive, thriving requires you to be all that and a super motivated, conscientious, and industrious person. It was beyond obvious in my program that some people were built different (not even in terms of talent or intelligence).

And now here I am, job search is as dead as ever, so I am back to sucking neetbux. I was planning on continuing to learn blender and I also started to learn Godot to try to make some games with my cute 3D characters.

Then last night I had a dream that I was drawing again and I woke up and was sad that I stopped drawing. Drawing is legit more difficult than painting. There is nothing like the nakedness of a clean line of ink or pencil to expose to the whole world what an imbecilic incompetent fraud that you are. I wanted to swear off drawing for good, to replace it with the strength and certainty of vector spaces and shader nodes. But I just want to draw again.

I wonder if it’s even worth bothering if you know that you have no innate talent for drawing, and probably will never be commercially successful with it. I realize that you can have anything you want but you can’t have everything, because we only get so much time in our lives.