>>938672586
I agree.

Ramble don't read lol

but I'm a very unchanging person when it comes to my mental health.. no matter how hard I try. I think I'm just going to be volcel again. He was the only person I never thought about killing or driving to suicide/self harm, not even once. Maybe crashing our car into a tree and paralyzing him or practicing medical malpractice on him but that's moreso out of my perverse view on love more than anything if that makes sense... I'm disgusted with myself. It feels our relationship was a beautiful prize horse and I came in the barn and bashed its leg in with a hammer just to have an excuse to shoot it in a way.. my intrusive thoughts were breeding like mice just by being around him, reminders of how imperfect I was compared to him. It's usually easy for me to dispose of someone I'm with because they're oftentimes crass, uncaring, or run out of resources to spoil me with. But that wasn't the issue with him because the issue was with me. I literally broke it off to protect him from myself and I wish I didnt and that I could just change for the better. Exposure therapy would make me very uncomfortable though...

I was forced to change so many of my negative habits out of my strong love for him and to not see relationships as transactional (aka how much could I exploit this person, how much could I get out of them, etc.) as I usually do, even with people I've liked before.

>>938673384
Berry pie by Dolly Parton