before right wing death squads are sent in to kill you and trump takes away your rights will /lgbt/ apologize for those mean-spirited charlie kirk jokes before this revelation was made?

Why do I every so often, especially after having a more dysphoric day, have moments where my mind just does a full 180 and suddenly feels like transitioning would be a huge mistake, and that it would make me reverse dysphoric?
I've been wanting to transition ever since I've found it was something you can do, and my dysphoria has been ever increasing during the time I was deliberating whether I really should or not, but every time I get close doing so, my mind latches onto the idea of being a man.
I don't want to be a man, I really don't. Every time this happens, I am genuinely crippled by anxiety and feel like I could throw up every moment, but I also feel like I should completely stop thinking about transitioning. It makes me so confused. I would have been certain I was trans by now, where it not for these moments.
Is this just anxiety because transitioning is fundamentally stressful? Is it a sign I'm making a mistake and that I'm actually cis? I just don't know, and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Even and I'll take hrt again, odd and I will try my best and forget about it all.
I am really afraid of regretting either one