So… Summertime Saga. Yeah. I don’t even know how the hell I got here. One second I’m playing Blood for the 400th time, and the next, I’m staring at a cartoon high school where everybody wants to sleep with you. This isn’t a video game, this is somebody’s… “visual novel project” — which is just code for: “I learned how to draw boobs in Photoshop and now I’m going to ruin your life.”
And the thing is, it’s huge. Like, unreasonably huge. There are quests, stats, dialogue trees — it’s like Skyrim, if instead of slaying dragons you’re trying to get a date with your teacher. You think, “Oh, it’s just porn, how complicated can it be?” And then 12 hours later you’re grinding charisma points by lifting weights and cleaning pools so you can maybe, maybe, get second base with somebody who looks like they fell out of a low-budget hentai.
And people actually defend this. Like, “Bro, it’s deep, it’s got branching storylines, it’s basically Persona.” Shut up. It’s porn with math homework. It’s porn that makes you do sidequests. I don’t need to fetch milk for Mrs. Johnson just to see a JPEG that looks like it was ripped from Newgrounds in 2006.
But here’s the worst part: I kept playing. I kept playing because Summertime Saga has that same evil energy as Daggerfall. You’re overwhelmed, you’re confused, you hate yourself — and then you realize, “Oh no. I’m invested.” This stupid game tricked me into caring about stats and story progression, and now I’m in too deep.
So yeah. Summertime Saga. It’s not just a porn game, it’s a lifestyle. A bad one. One that ruins your productivity and makes you question your life choices. But hey — at least it’s free. Unlike therapy.