>>41039943
it's been almost a month since she's been gone and i finally am starting to feel it, i don't really know how to cope. i think she was it for me, that was as good as it would ever get. beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, creative and empathetic... i destroyed it all for literally nothing, just hypotheticals in my mind i guess. i miss her more than anything, i miss us, but it's all gone, even if we got back together today it would never be the same again. the worst part is i know i'll never see or hear her again, i don't know how to live with it still. i deleted everything i had of her and regret it so much. i miss her voice so fucking much, i miss her smile, those beautiful eyes, i can barely remember the color anymore, but i can still remember the depth. no one will ever love me the way she did. she was the only one that wanted me for me. i don't know why i did any of what i did, i was just selfish and retarded. and she's gone forever, just like that. the only comfort i have is knowing she will be so, so much better off without me. i'm horrible. i don't think i'll ever love anyone like i loved her. i don't even know why i'm writing this out. no one understands it, no one does. she was the only girl that was ever going to want me, good fucking god, why did i do that to her? why? why am i so fucking stupid? i dont even know what im doing anymore, just spiralling so hard. the only people who want anything to do with me is men and i fucking hate it, i hate them, i hate myself for trying to cope and think i can tolerate them, i can't, it's all so fucking stupid, it's all such a fucking cope all of it is just like my entire life. i keep trying to find something to fill the void, nothing is going to, i feel like the best decision is to just isolate myself because it seems like all i'm capable of is hurting people. im so alone and it really should just stay that way.