Posted last night, but my math was WAY off.
Moved my item datas to a proper database style structure instead of having them all as disparate child classes.
Original is 45 kb per item.
New is 15 BYTES per item!
THREE THOUSAND time smaller.
Now I can load the entire games item data at runtime and have 0 problems.
Now I just need to convert my enemy data to the same structure.
So reminder to follow good data structuring practices, I guess.