>>42556516
actually, i need to say what was happening here or im not gonna be able to sleep tonight.

the guy on the right is some basedjacker. he came with another basedjacker friend of his and they were basically there in the capacity of shit-stirrers, although it was not yet apparent that they were until that night (saturday). they got badges pulled later that night for sexual harassment; they were the guys doing a "gape session" in the days inn if you remember that. with the steel reserves and boondock saints.

anyway, they brought a filly to this rave. earlier on they were playing toss with it across the room. it was likely stolen, although it was not yet clear at the time as they had not asked me to steal one for them (i flatly refused, of course). later on, basedjacker #2 leaves and basedjacker #1 starts trying to rile people up into beating this filly and stomping it and stuff. a lot of people join in. the person on the video, on the left, is me.

i am on a lot of drugs in this video. i started my being on a lot of drugs that evening with cuddling the anon filly that you see to your left - it's a friend's. i love her so much. i've never loved cuddling anything as much. it makes me feel all warm and vulnerable. i love anonfilly and i usually have 1+ images of her somewhere on my person whenever i go outside. so, why am i stomping her?

i think its because, she represents what is vulnerable within myself. i was under a lot of stress during the con, trying not to spaghetti and not feeling like i had an environment i could be myself in. drugs compounded it. energy at the rave compounded it. i was very suggestible. destroying it felt like it was filling the role of some representative scapegoat - it really was like that for me, and it did NOT feel good. i went between stomping her and kissing her on her dirt-covered mouth. i felt nothing at the time. i remember staring at the stuffing strewn across the floor as i ran around. it was very surreal.

when i went back to the room i was in full psychotic panic, really had to stop myself from losing my mind. in hindsight i think what i had done played a large part in it - not just seeing a plush filly get ripped apart, although that's not nice, but also what it meant symbolically. i was cursing everything around me. it took a lot of energy to reign myself in, and i was only able to do so by forgetting what i had done. when i saw footage of it later, after i was home - really bad. if i didnt get to cuddle fillies in my home, to apologize to them as proxy, i'd still be a wreck about it.

im really glad that >>42558323 has patched her up, it makes me feel so much better that someone did that. if it weren't for that i'd still be losing my damn mind over it. i dont really care what people think of me, there are other reasons that i think might have been a factor that are too personal to share. i just want it to be known What happened AND that i am deeply sorry. Fuck the sharty, anonfilly forever