>>40923245
told some of my friends.
what's the word for when things are falling into place and starting to make sense but the realisation and knowledge of what has happened and what will continue happening leaves you less willing to fight for anything healthy and good than ever before. the more I'm reading the more i feel like taking it out on someone or doing things to increase the risk of dying an early death because theres no major "what ifs" anymore it's all just varying degrees of continued pain with little to no room for pleasure or growth or achievements. the thought of going back to the clinic disgusts me. the thought of applying for disability aid disgusts me. their dumb fuck pamphlets on how to live as normally as possible disgust me. that I am trying to reject them out of a sense of emotionally dysregulated hopelessness isnt lost on me. I dont want them to touch me or look at me or talk to me. I want to call an old friend and tell him to hit me.
I'm not going to do that.
think the least damaging option would be drinking and staying up late working until I can distract myself with the workout group, if i'm sane enough to go. bought some stuff today thats coming in tomorrow to help me from slipping up and doing worse things to myself.
i dont want to hurt my friends or cause them any discomfort.