>>40732815
i miss my first girl best friend so much. it breaks my heart that we drifted apart cause im a fucking man and did stupid things to try and conform to what the men around me told me i was supposed to do. i dont even like women but felt pressured to ask you out cause that's what everyone told me to do and i was terrified people would find out i liked guys if i didnt. you were my first real friend someone i would call family. you were more of a sister to me than my actual sister was. I miss sleeping over with you i miss hearing you laugh I wish we couldve been born somewhere different where i was able to transition younger so our friendship wouldn't be completely collapsed. Ethel Cain's new song Janie makes me burst into tears every time I listen to it because all I can think about is you and how much you helped me and what it felt like to lose you in my life. You are genuinely the reason I didn't kill myself and I don't think you will ever know how much you saved me as a person. I would give anything to go back in time and fix what I did wrong to not lose you. I'm so sorry and nothing will ever fix how I betrayed your trust. I miss all those stupid nights we spent together going back and forth between our mom's houses before we would have to go back to our dad's because of split custody and we wouldnt get to see each other outside of school for that week. I miss you so much Maddie and im so so so so sorry. I still love you like a sister and am happy you are happy, but I wish I could fix what I did wrong even though I cant. In tears writing this you genuinely changed my life to the core I was so broken and alone before I met you you were more like family to me than anyone i have ever known. all those stupid fucking nights we spent together sharing each others clothes doing everything with each other. I miss you so much im so so so fucking sorry i cant stop crying i dont think you get the full extent of how sorry and horrible i feel even tho you forgave me