Stolen from Twitter:
> be Adobe, 40-year-old PDF jockey
> 2025, stock doing a perfect -33% swan dive
> “We’ll pivot to AI” says exec on 7-figure retention bonus
> can’t ship a model because legal says every pixel needs a 12-page EULA
> Midjourney drops v7, makes our Firefly look like MS Paint with a hangover
> OpenAI drops GPT-Image, Google drops nano-banana, both free
> our response: “Please login with your Adobe ID, install Creative Cloud, update 47 GB, restart, then pay $53.99/month”
> users collectively Alt-F4 into orbit
> watch in horror as ChatGPT/Gemini reads any PDF you give it for free
> enterprise cancels 10k seats overnight
> try to counter with Sora killer video model
> training cluster catches fire after someone uploads a 1998 clipart library
> PR tweet: “We are re-imagining creativity”
> quote-tweet ratio hits 1:9k, gif of dumpster bonfire tops replies
> premiere pro is now just a bloated launcher for 15 different subscription prompts
> 20-something with a phone and CapCut is making better edits
> our flagship feature: “Generative fill but now 3% slower”
> board meeting: “Let’s raise prices again”
> stock drops another 8% during the Zoom call
> our most innovative feature in 5 years is a "subscribe to annual plan" button that clicks itself