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i've been experimenting a little bit with psychedelics recently and my last trip made me sort of face the fact that my life is genuinely absurd and fucking boring 95% of the time i'm awake and not even in the way that you can romanticise or say is suffering in the name of a greater good. i do a bullshit job that contributes nothing to society where i genuinely don't even know what half of my coworkers do but i support them in doing what i'm told, i make just about enough to scrape by in a foreign city i don't even want to be in that much while my boss is buying his third house, sure i have hobbies but all that really happens is i go to work for 9 hours a day, go do one of my hobbies for a couple of hours and feel alive for once, then go back to my empty flat where i could genuinely probably lay dead for a week without anyone noticing. once you step back and take a good look at it you realise it's a horrible way to live. i haven't really felt connected to anyone or anything all that much since i transitioned all those years ago, i've been arm's length with my family since and haven't even so much as set foot in my home country in five years. don't get me wrong, it was a shitty environment, but at least i was part of something.

ever since i had this trip i've basically been so depressed, like no matter how much i sleep i'm still so tired i can barely keep my eyes open at my desk, i only feel happy when i'm working out and doing my hobbies. i'm seriously considering just trying to negotiate severance at work (honestly they're probably conspiring to make me redundant anyway) but what then? i could move to be closer to the person i love and simultaneously be in a country that uses my native language again for the first time in seven years. would it help? not in and of itself but maybe i'd be on the right path. maybe i should go back to tutoring french to schoolkids like i did for income in college. at least teaching kids a language contributes something to this world.