I let my addiction back into my life knowing it would be completely eclipse everything around me. It feels so fucking good, everything just completely blots out whenever I'm in the throes of my addiction. That said, I already feel the isolation creeping in. I can't talk to my friends anymore because they're already onto me, having experienced this once. I have new friends but they're just as enslaved to this as i am, meaning they're not really friends at all. We spend all of our time making each other worse.

It's probably going to kill me this time but I just can't keep myself out of it. I literally don't see a way out. I could get help now but I don't want it, I hate recovery so much and have never enjoyed the recovered life ever. Even my lowest i still felt better than my "highest" in recovery. I'm alone.

Tonight I'm finally going to do it. I don't know why, but I went on a bike ride today and something inside me finally just snapped in half. I couldn't even explain quite what or why. I've had episodes like this before, so I went home and decided to see if it would pass after a few hours. It hasn't.

I prayed for a sign. If fate permits, I'll take its hand and live. If it doesn't, I won't. I didn't ask for advice or guidance; I merely asked for a sign as to what to do or not to do, and I will accept the results of that.

No, you can't talk me out of it. No, you can't get me to rethink things. I don't want to hear it. If I felt things could change, I'd ask someone close to me for advice on my situation. I'm not telling anyone I know which means I've made my choice. If the divine winds steer me into life, I will listen. But as it stands now, I think my last thread has finally been pulled.