>>24825091
>Squirrely preferred synth music personally.
The "personally" feels kinda akward, don't you think? (In fact it might actually be ungrammatical—usually it's when someone refers to themselves when they say "personally", and usually with a comma before it). Same with the next line, wouldn't "Something more aggressive and robotic would have made more sense [...]". I don't see the point of the italicised "that" in this either unless there's further context related to music but it doesn't seem that way.

I think you need to do some cutting. A lot of these sentences longer than they need to be or have things in them that just make them akward. Otherwise seems fine. Take this line:
>"making dreams come true for the superfans wanting in—for a price".
The "for a price" after the em dashes doesn't add anything, we already know he's a scalper and apparently a scoundrel, it's just shoving it down our throats and driving the constrast past its breaking point. If anything it takes away. As the next sentence is "Boy, was there plenty". If you insist on including the former you'll have to put it in brackets or change the "was there plenty". It turns a really good line into something bloated. Sorry if that sounds harsh

There are probably more edits that can be found but I think you get the idea. There's a good body but with a bit too much fat. I think you should work on how you view your sentences for editing.

I like the premise though, love "what if zombies just kinda existed" settings. I wouldn't worry too much about how long till dialogue thing though. My suggestion? Put "so damn inquisitive" (with or without the "so") in inverted commas, the "damn" already frames it as something personal but put it in quotation marks and you already begin to paint how people talk to Squirrelly and other zombies—it's like a hint dialogue, or something, without a real speaker, as to not break the flow. I get this line already hints at this is something said to him or about zombies but I think it focuses the intention.