>>42538879
>falseness to myself is unbearable
That's definitely not something a person really should be bearing, at least not when it is not about physical self-preservation. The feel of belonging can be build(and its not something merely found) only when you feel true to yourself, when you feel like a based pone who accepts all your current feelings as your real current feelings and who then acts based on your own values. Any good change requires acceptance of where you currently stand.

Hold all your feelings gently like a butterfly, no matter how bad, good or forbidden they are, but let them only take control and drive you into direction of your deep values.

I personally subscribe to a belief/religion that our afterlife is shaped by our minds and desires, no matter how shit and self-defeating those might be. And as such it's our mission on this planet to discover what our deepest values actually are and align our desires and actions with our most true, most deepest values to increase chances of building up mare-heaven for ourselves as opposed to some lame shallow coomer-jaded-control-freak-hate-shit-pilled afterlife.