I've been here for years, I just gooned for four hours. My job makes less than 30k a year.
I've watched so many people go from nodevs to GMIdevs and exhibit real talent and I was there seething and crabbing.
I haven't improved at all.
I will never make a game.
I've decided to give myself a deadline, literally.
If in 5 years I do no make a game or have sex with a woman because being raped by an older family friend doesn't count (wanted to give myself a realistic time frame for either) I will be ending my stupid faggot life.
And what classifies as a game isn't just like making pong and then putting it on itchio, it's making something someone would actually play, that I would actually play. And the sex cannot be through prostitution, as impossible as it seems a woman must actually want me.
I just don't understand why I am so fucking disgustingly pathetic. How could I be so full of shame and guilt about how I am and yet be unable to change? It's like this dream I had when I was a kid, how I was stuck in this place without time and I didn't know how many years passed in those dreams each time I had them, I just suffered it and then woke up. I suffer life and have yet to wake up. How many times have I died while I still pulled breath into my lungs? I'm so tired of dying.