Writing General: 'summer days' edition

Welcome to /wg/, the thread for all /tg/ related writing. Whether you're plotting your campaign, trying to come up with a character backstory, or just trying to write some setting fluff, this is the place to post it. You don't even have a campaign, just an idea you want to develop? You're welcome here. While the rest of /tg/ is arguing over monstergirl mating and which way rivers are supposed to flow, we're here to help you turn your thoughts into an actual finished product.

As the successor to the Storythreads, we're also open to /tg/ related fanfiction (D&D, Warhammer, Battletech, whatever). In fact, if you've written any vaguely /tg/-related short stories, you can try them out here. We also have flash-fiction challenges from time to time.

There's a discord for writers here
https://discord.gg/6AwKHGF

The previous thread can still be found in the archive here
>>95441002

And finally an archive of /tg/ fiction can be found here:
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Storythread (dead link, but may be resurrected one day)
https://2d4chan.org/wiki/Storythread (page missing, wiki still up)
https://1d6chan.miraheze.org/wiki/Storythread

Do you have any projects planned for the summer? Do those of you who're still in school, college, etc, take advantage of the break to work on your writing? Do you have more energy to write when it's sunny, or are you more lethargic in the heat? Do you find different seasons change the tone of your writing?

Personally, I find that the sun puts me in a better mood and I find it easier to write, but also I have more to distract me in the summer.

Previously, my scenes tended to be rather short. Which isn't necessarily bad, it gives the story a fast pace, lots of things happened in not many pages. But I felt that it made my stories feel short of breath a lot.
Managed a lot slower pace in my recent projects. Feels really nice, lingering on scenes longer, giving characters more time to speak, describing places and scenes in more detail. But recently, I've fallen back to my previous pacing. And wonder what could have caused this. Maybe it's a lack of clarity or engagement from my part.
Or maybe it really is just the heat.

Working on the intro for my Rifts adventure. This is intended as background text that I'll give them with a character creation package. It'll list what RCCs and OCCs are available and provide a rules primer, because my group has never played Rifts. They usually read these, but it's not terribly important that they do so. This is just background and not the actual start of the game. But the point of this text is to establish where they are and why, and give them a sense of their surroundings. At least 3 of my 4 players will bother to read it.

I'd love any feedback, with the caveat that it has to stay under 250 words (currently 236).

Starting in next post because character limit. The rifts thread on /tg/ made me decide to give Rifts a try for the first time in 20 years.

>>96045958
The Coalition States won their war against Tolkeen, reducing the city to rubble and plunging the heartland into chaos. The armies of Chi-Town swarm on metal wings, purging D-Bees and those touched by magic. Refugees flee.

Dodging psi-hounds and hunter drones, you headed east to Char. Reaching the coast, you boarded a smuggler’s skiff held together by prayer and the stubbornness of crusty old sailors. Hugging the coastline, you watched the skies for Rift storms.

Ley lines flared on the horizon. Sea monsters breached waves fifty feet high, their bodies glittering in the storm-lit dark. Rain and arc flashes drove the ship dangerously close to jagged shoals. Farther offshore, the black hulls of Atlantean dreadships fired violet beams at New Navy subs—the open sea a battlefield you desperately avoided.

Once, a squadron of Sky Cycles screamed overhead—Coalition pilots chasing more interesting prey. You kept your heads down, your little boat crawling along the edge of the Dinosaur Swamp. A ruined coastline of buildings like tombstones gave way to tangled jungle. Skyscrapers slumped into vine-choked wetlands. Giant sauropods grazed the treetops.

Finally, your boat turned inland through a tidal channel and into a quiet bay.

And there it was: Neksys. Ancient freeway pylons jut from the sea, crowned by cracked concrete spans. A city clinging to Golden Age ruins, perched above a fetid and dangerous swamp.

Here, at last, you’ve passed beyond the Coalition’s reach.

>>96045971
I think if they've never played Rifts before you need to explain who the Coalition States and Tolkeen are, and why they're fighting. Because without that they're going to be completely lost. In an introduction, keep any terms they won't know - like Chi-Town and D-Bees - to a minimum, and focus on explaining the really important things. It's honestly a shame to cut anything because it's pretty well-written, but with a 250 word limit I would go with something more like this:

>The future has come and gone. The Earth of the present is not as those who lived at the dawn of the technological age, in the far past of the 21st century, imagined it would be. For a while the promise of progress that technology offered was realised... but then came the Great Conjunction, the opening of the Rifts, and the return of magic.

>The old order was torn apart, and new states arose from its ashes. Some that sought to hold onto what was, and purge the unnatural, and some that embraced the arcane. The Coalition, dominating central North America, followed the former philosophy, and their neighbour Tolkeen the latter. War, like magic, once a myth of the distant past is now returned with a vengeance.

>The Coalition States won their war against Tolkeen, reducing the city to rubble and plunging the heartland into chaos. Their armies swarm on metal wings, purging all those who originated beyond the Rifts, and anyone 'tainted' by magic. Refugees flee.

>Dodging psi-hounds and hunter drones, you headed east to Char. Your little boat keeps close to shore, crawling along the edge of the Dinosaur Swamp. Ruins like tombstones gave way to tangled jungle, skyscrapers slumped into vine-choked wetlands. Giant sauropods grazed the treetops.

>Then, ancient freeway pylons jutting from the sea, crowned by cracked concrete spans. Neskys, at last. A city clinging to Golden Age ruins, perched above a fetid and dangerous swamp.

>Finally, you’ve passed beyond the Coalition’s reach.

Hi /tg/, first time posting so hopefully I don't break any rules.
Anyway, pic related is a story I am writing, mostly for my own pleasure and to 'exercise' that creative muscle, so to speak.
It takes place in the battletech universe, on a planet I made up. The main character will begin the story as a mercenary, who returns home with ptsd, and learn to slowly love life again through the simple poverty of his home village, only to have it ripped from him. he will then go on a DUNE-esque rampage with his own battletech, and since it seem to be the only one on the planet, he will lead his people to victory and sit atop a throne of corpses.
That's the idea, anyway. please go easy on the grammar mistakes, it is a 1st draft. I would appreciate ANY feedback otherwise.

>>96050549
Your sentences are too long. Avoid unnecessary words.
>The older children gathered the younger to make wonderful little decorations and other crat, one such being a game of some type where some children gathered the straightest sticks they could find about the length of their arms while the others wove tiny twigs into circles so that the number of them came to appear to be a crown with leaves and bristles and thorns sticking out.
That sentence has like fifteen objects in it. If you've got a new subject or object? Get a new sentence. Get rid of meaningless, extraneous words. Read this:
>They wove twigs and sticks into bristly, leafy crowns.
It conveys the same information as:
>one such being a game of some type where some children gathered the straightest sticks they could find about the length of their arms while the others wove tiny twigs into circles so that the number of them came to appear to be a crown with leaves and bristles and thorns sticking out.
Be economical. Use the words it takes to tell the story. If you want to use more words, then tell more story.

Reread each sentence and ask yourself "how could this be more simply said?" Then correct it. That revision process is the path to better writing.

Take the next paragraph's first sentence:
>As evening neared and dark encompassed the village, save for an occassional solar lamp or light spilling out from a nearby window, meetings were held to plan the festivities.
That's at least three sentences. Your second clause in there could also be a parenthetical (set off by either parenthesis or dashes). But it's better as 3 sentences. Give the reader a sense of time passing. "Evening came and the village darkened." One statement. "Occassional solar lamps flickered, and windows lit up." One statement. "Villagers gathered to plan tomorrow's festival." One statement.

And if two people talk in a paragraph? Perfect: two paragraphs. It's easier to read.

>>96053862
thank you, I've had no advanced education to instruct me on the structure of writing. Feedback of this type is especially helpful.

>>96042773 (OP)
A character came to me in a dream. I'm still drawing her up but I'm having some trouble nailing the finer points down. I think I might use her for D&D and other TTRPGs, or even a short story, but so far I'm a bit all over with her.

>>96058498
While I broadly agree with the point >>96053862 is making, you shouldn't be *too* economical. For example, this sentence:
>As evening neared and dark encompassed the village, save for an occassional solar lamp or light spilling out from a nearby window, meetings were held to plan the festivities.

Rather than splitting into three, you could take it down to just two.
>Evening neared, darkness encompassing the village save for an occasional solar lamp or light spilling out a window.
>As the day ended, the meetings to plan the festivities began.
Note that I didn't just snip it in two, I added a bit more to the second half to balance it out rather than just leave a stump.

It's not just that your sentences are long, it's that you're trying to cram too much information into each one. To paraphrase >>96053862, try to keep to one concept per sentence.

The other thing to keep an eye on is your use of synonyms. In general, just the more common synonym unless you have a reason to pick a rarer one. For example:
>Others were larger affairs in which many of the adults gathered into one of the larger domiciles.
'houses' works just fine there instead of domiciles.

However, this
>save for the patriarch or matriarch of said domicile
is an appropriate way to use it because patriarch and matriarch are terms of authority, and you're implying that to them it's not just a peasant hut but a *domicile*, which sounds a bit posher. A bit of a tongue-in-cheek way of showing how seriously the villagers take these things even though they're all just commoners. You can see how synonyms should be carefully chosen for their particular connotations, and not just sprinkled in anywhere to liven up the text.

>>96059063
thank you for the input, especially on the comparisons between appropriate use of synonyms.
honestly this is the roughest of drafts. I mostly just type with an idea on what i want to happen in this and the next scene, while also having an overarching plan. i have not done any proof-reading of any kind.
like i said in my op, it's mostly to 'use a muscle' so to speak, and because it is enjoyable. I have also been enjoying sharing snippets of it in order to improve my style and structures with the help of anons like you.

>>96058880
>A character came to me in a dream.
At least you didn't make it up...

In my world, the gods are responsible for holding together the universe, electing lesser gods to walk amongst mortals as a type of celebrity. They can be challenged or quest givers, the world a sandbox mimicking the Fall of Rome, with four main epochs spanning 1000 years:
>Fall of The Current Political Forces
>Rise of Coastal Raiders
>Demon Uprising that marks a Split in the Church
>The Black Plague

Original and fun? Or Flavorless?

>>96074040
I think it sounds pretty cool. Although wouldn't 'lesser gods' just be angels and/or saints?

>>96078068
There are three events that resulted in lesser gods, (The term used for any divine being who works for a major god.)

>War of Angels
Resulting in Good Angels, Neutral Spirits, and Evil Devils

>Despair of Heralds
Resulting in Lawful Heralds, Neutral Omens, and Chaotic Harbingers

>Rise of Logic
The Corner alignments, (LG, CG, LE, CE) becoming the Ethos gods, The Directly Opposed alignments, (NG, NE, LN, CN) being the Pathos gods, and True Neutral becoming the Logos god.

>>96079719
I would be cautious about over-complicating your setting. I mean, maybe in the context of the whole thing that all makes sense, but if there isn't a compelling lore reason for it then you should be trying to eliminate redundancy.

>>96074040
If you also add compelling characters.

>>96111099
I've seen that image before, and I've always thought it funny that the last few centuries of mankind's philosophical and artistic development could be summed up so neatly by Daffy Duck.

>>96116125
Yes, I like it a lot too.
Looney toons works in mysterious ways.

>>96050549
I think you should practice removing hold backs from your writing, stuff like 'some' this 'almost' that. Maybe use Notepad++ to check over how many times you use the same words, it can be pretty helpful.
You can shuffle your ideas together, focus on the action, and it'll create more flow. If you want to write a lot, write about more don't hold the reader in paralysis of exposition.
Second, focusing on 'why this is important' over 'this is what happens' will be more rewarding to the reader. Trust that we will fill in the blanks on nonessential details like how the boys make the wreaths, what all the women say and do, why the people do this or that. As is, this reads like an anthropological report you wrote for yourself to better understand the sequence of events rather than from a character viewpoint, but it's not like that's bad.

gonna follow up on this with this passage in my own words, maybe it'll inspire you, hopefully so since you inspired me.

>>96125120
1/2
The season reached zenith and the people of the village defied unbearable heat to prepare a summer festival. All around folk bustled about, free from the day's choring. Excitement filled the street with commerce. Young boys ran past, all laughter and smiles in their games. Older ones waved trinkets they made to passersby, heads full of reeds and thorns woven into impressive bramble circlets, while young ones had tiny hands full of twigs, straight and narrow, to make their own before days end. The boys offered their charms in exchange for sweets like pixies. Their mothers hurried along behind, chastising them, arms full of baskets, mouths full of plans for the evening, their skirts full of daughters holding dolls they made themselves. Wicker arms, buttons for eyes, colorful dresses they sewed and embroidered for the special day, the girls' heads wreathed with twigs like their brothers too, but with flowers stuck in, and their dresses carried the fresh laundered smell of meadow. The lead of a donkey laden over with crates, chickens, glass jars of colorful beads lashed together smartly with rope, trailed behind this procession. Sergei refused the pixies and watched the parade, thoughtful in his study of the strings of decorations, bolts of cloth dyed in breezy colors, piled over the animal's rump. It disappeared into the crowd and his forehead creased in a frown of confusion. He hadn't a clue what purpose any of this served, what the end goal might be. As a boy, he'd never had such bright days. Grigoriyu's people only recently learned the feeling of a full belly, and Sergei wondered if it was really alright to go to all this effort. The star above was dropping from the sky, and half buried in the hillock by the time his tired feet found home. With their fields now plentiful, they could celebrate again and the inhabitants no longer feared for survival every moment of the day. The rough hewn door swung open to a warm glow and creaked shut.

>>96125601
Night gathered, and evening encompassed the village. Lanterns spilled over their light from windows opened to the cool air, and solar lamps glowed from the street. Moths beat their wings against the artificial suns while voices rose and fell in colorful bursts, especially in the largest of them. The meetings were in full swing, and women got to the serious planning of events for tomorrow, eyes fixed to each speaker and quietly enumerating every detail ahead, to make it the best festival yet. Women, Sergei learned, would have a large affair of food prepared in the domicile of the elder where the discussions were held, as it would be the only one available that could hold everyone who wanted to attend. Some women would meet as they felt like, however they pleased if they did not come, so that they could set their children to bed and carry on the chores that inevitably would come for the morning. But, snacking on all kinds of dishes, the men would be in full attendance. They would laugh over drinks uproariously and discuss events, both past and future while some play cards, dice, or chew the ends of pipes without any seriousness at all, there only for the company. These meetings most often and very naturally separated by gender, with the hosts drifting between them as they liked. Tonight, the Matriarch of the home this all took place in was especially involved on the men's side. Her attempts to chide the barbarians into quietude humored some immensely before she tossed her hands, giving up, and grunting in anger over the irresponsibility before finally withdrawing.

++

All the discussion is golden, so I don't feel the need to try improvising it. OP, I hope you keep writing and sharing with us, I want to see where you take it next.

>>96125120
Thanks for the feedback. As previous anons advised, I am being more careful to break up sentences. I find your point about nonessential details helpful, the reader doesn't need to know how they play their games or weave their crafts, they just need to be able to picture them.
>As is, this reads like an anthropological report you wrote for yourself to better understand the sequence of events rather than from a character viewpoint, but it's not like that's bad
Honestly, I was kind of inspired in the style by Gogol's Dead Souls and his short story 'Ivan Shponka and his Aunt.' Maybe the amount of explanation took it over the edge from painting a picture to detailing a report.
>>96125601
>>96125914
I love this, man. I've never had any work of mine 'inspire' someone. I really appreciated reading this. Also its a pleasant style that helps show me what an improvement can look like.
Pic related is later in the story. As I stated in my OP, the mc is a recently returned veteran with severe ptsd, and this is a foreshadowing of his future in the form of a dream sequence. I'm not sure how you feel about these but I find the freedom they grant to foreshadowing fun, if a bit on the nose.
(1/2)

Also, I love the art, do you have a source?

>>96126074
forgot image. 1/2

>>96126082
2/2

>>96126082
>>96126095
Took a second to realize Lyssa was the ship, in a good way. Really decent work to get the reader into the scene.

>>96126074
Tombs of the Fallen by Friedrich. I'll read the next part when I don't have to fade from temporal existence.

I submitted a short story to the Black Library during the open submission, and still haven’t heard back.

I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. My guess is that I’m still in the running, and maybe hit the finalists. But who knows?

You guys wanna read the opening chapter of a book I’m writing?

It’s about a 15th century witch hunter.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ag8RSXHvJ191WBlMJRxqtEllwsZf6yA80dm4WJkEqsQ/

>>96042773 (OP)
Sorry for being off-topic, but I guess you don't have any tourist trolls infestation just like /slop/ for example?

I mentioned this before in different threads, but I find it funny that John Norman's Gor series of fapfiction has one of the better reasoning/explanation for technological stagnation for long periods in their fantasy/sci fi setting.
Anyone else have good examples?

>>96130567
What gets me is that the Gor series started in 1966 and *it's still going*. There are thirty-eight books now. The author is ninety-four and he's still writing.

He's also been married to the same woman for almost seventy years.

>>96133917
Yeah. They can't keep him down, it seems.

>>96129561
They always have a bajillion entries, I wouldn't hold your breath. I doubt they bother contacting entrants individually, they probably just release a list of winners and if your name isn't on that list, you didn't win.

In fact, looking at their website:
https://www.warhammer-community.com/en-gb/articles/p8ppmwsz/black-library-submissions-policy/

>9. Games Workshop makes no guarantee that we will respond or be able to provide feedback for any submission. If you do not hear back from us within 100 working days (20 working weeks), then please assume that Games Workshop does not wish to use your submission at this present time.

Sorry dude. It's not over until they release the list of winners but I would assume at this point that if you haven't heard from them you didn't win.

>>96141601

I got a rejection last time, and it took closer to six months. My assumption is that I got slotted into a maybe pile and then pruned later. I’m optimistic about this one, and I’m going to keep my hopes up until September.

>>96130567
>Anyone else have good examples?
"The world is an artificially maintained environment" is a classic. Can't really advance if the forces governing your reality don't let you. This could be anything from the world is a simulation to everything is infested with nanites to almost everyone alive is living out their lives according to the will of an oversoul acting through them.

>>96144606
That's kind of how Gor is too. Except that you can try to make more advanced technology but you will be turned into a pile of salt or burned up or whatever because super advanced alien race controls the planet and keeps their theme park such way.

>>96126082
Once we got into the groove.. [Would cut 'well he did not fly in the literal sense' as it weakens the understanding that this is a dream]
.. I was immersed and pulled by energy of the mech sequences, Absolutely electric.
Getting ejected in that way without pomp and immediately facing down cryptic messages reflects my own extremely vivid fever dreams. I'll swing between this kind of extreme very much in the same way, like slam head first heart pounding into death cold quiet. When you're in them, that transition just doesn't strike as strange, to survive a deadly crash without impact and see the love of your life waiting for you on the beach, but maybe you could help your readers understand it better. Tweak the transition, and clue in early a little more that it's definitely not real as it happens, there's 2/3 clues a reader can use to know it's a dream, so maybe it can be at the start.

Was Lyssa always ship shape, or did he have to repair her before going on his new operation? Could allude she's 'dead' at time of dreaming 'Sergei flew headlong towards the horizon, he was back inside the cockpit of Lyssa, her once dead controls alive and crackling with rage...'

I picture a mad animation style 'his fingers were her guns waving menacingly, his eyeballs her sensors spinning wild his gut was her fusion engine burning with malic' it paints a specific impression of sequences, like Gundam series. Love '[his eyes] were dilated and filled with fever' and an absolute perfect line to grok it 'He and Lyssa were becoming terminal'.
I had a blast with this section. 'Her controls were cracking away under his maniacal grip' kept up that unreal dream anime impression, in a styled way.

Sacrificing everything to chase back the sun is futile and tragic. tho I expected... 'fighting to move that star .. back one millimeter at a time' that it was setting position, was surprised and had to reorient '...neared it's peak in the heavens' was it noon for greater reason?

>>96147870
I love that my internal vision for the reading goes from that gundam anime style into a image of cinematic drama, like a color theory portrait you could see in The Fall, the picture of Valeya is pure and clear. Their parting and his walk towards doom and vengeance, literally holding his regret tenderly in spite of his own frustrated prejudices tells me everything I need to know about what is going on in his mind into his next chapter.

There's a confused moment when he's able to wrap the girl in a blanket with his hands occupied by Valeya, it wouldn't be a problem in a dream but we are immediately thrust into noticing that paradox of choice when he's deciding which hands he holds. It makes that hiccup stand out more, although it's not completely unnatural to have actions you can and cannot take, just needs more decision on your part, like if Valeya's hands are mentioned to help him even as she's in sorrow to do so, as if she already knows what he will do next.

I so wish that he had internally accepted his choice more resolutely, if he had the horror of being given a last kiss, or a wistful emotive look when she's frozen in place and melting. I thought it was maybe a little too cold he shook her ashes from his pants and I have a hard time picturing it with his hands occupied, maybe instead his eyelashes become crusted and he has to wipe her remains from his face to see the girl clearly again.

My players will probably never see the hours and days I poured into my world on WorldAnvil, but what they will see is someone who's emersed in the story and can recall any topic they need me too with a little help from randomizer tables. I tried using AI to help me make a world, but it just falls so flat.

>>96148091
The problem with AI is it relies on you feeding it as the imagination machine, you have to give up everything you have for it to simply organize what you yourself made, and then it's no longer yours it's in the hands of whomever owns the LLM and you will never know how your own creative force gets used from then on, a literal double edged sword and thankless.

What I think you'd benefit from more is pouring all of your connections into an obsidian web. Maybe you can have an AI model help you make it and then you just pour your vision into that instead of the dry gpt wasteland.

>>96148133
Yup, but so far I've only needed to use AI for name generation and images. Other than that, I'm avoiding using gpt for anything that I'd rather have locked in memory.

>>96148416
I find that the best thing to use those LLMs for is finding glue between completely disparate ways of thinking, stuff that you yourself might not be an expert in so finding those connecting themes aren't as easy going. You can take articles, concepts and musings and churn out some semblance of gutless meat and make a tasty dish out of it, but if you leave it as meat it won't be tasty, filling nor satisfying enough to have even bothered generating in the first place. The thing that AI lacks is the wherewithal to go hunting for interesting things and the prescience to know what's cheap trash or not.

>>96147870
>>96148054
Thanks for reading dude!
What I'm getting is that the mech sequence is good, just needs a couple tweeks like making it more obvious he's in a dream and a couple lines here and there.
>Was Lyssa always ship shape, or did he have to repair her before going on his new operation?
yes and unfortunately i'd have a hard time changing that. He's essentially left the service of the merc company he piloted her for and he's going to get her back later to wreck the planet's shit.
>There's a confused moment when he's able to wrap the girl in a blanket with his hands occupied by Valeya
oops, first draft moment lol. thanks for noticing.
> I thought it was maybe a little too cold he shook her ashes from his pants
good idea, I'll make his reaction more vivid. I can imagine having muted reactions in a dream but for the purpose of a written story he should display how he'd feel if (when) she actually dies.
Again I really appreciate this feedback, it is very encouraging. lmk if you'd like me to post more or if you have any stories i can help you with.

>>96042773 (OP)
I managed to run an incredible PF2E campaign based on an exploration of a cursed swamp. My players engaged so much with the carefully crafted world building and mystery of the swamp I nearly cried.

>>96126082
>>96126095
Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time at the moment, but in general I didn't see any major problems; it was definitely an improvement on >>96050549.

I think my one criticism is that it was trying just a bit too hard. Maybe dial back the intensity about 20%. Sentences like:
>her metallic hide beginning to sheer apart with the screams of a primal animal
almost make it sound like you're writing a sex scene. (also in that context it's spelled 'shear'; 'sheer' means steep, 'shear' is the stress on a material from parallel force)

>>96129574
Do I have deja vu or have you posted this before? I distinctly remember something about a talking Satanic goat.

Overall I think it's pretty good. The thing you really need to watch out for is that you don't trip yourself up when writing old-timey speech (a very common problem when writing in a pre-modern setting). You're actually better at it than most but there are still bits like:
>But was their invective and ire mistakenly placed upon an innocent beast through ignorance?
This sentence feels to fancy for someone presented as being from humble origins, and a hard-headed pragmatist as well.

and then there's this exchange:
>“What am I to do with it?”
>“Your intentions are your own.”
I don't think that even makes sense, it would be something like 'Do as you will.' (although you do get some culinary bonus points because goat does taste like mutton and it's best when marinated or slow cooked in red wine).

Either way, a promising opening chapter.

The main religion of the empire I want to focus on worships the sun.
There is supposed to be a southern realm. Not a unified realm, more of a cultural group. That the empire often wars with, but also lots of exchange and trade going on. At some point, these people fucked the empire over by pulling out some holy fire religion.
My problem is simply that it's thematically too close. Yes, the sun as a celestial body and the element of fire are different. But both are fire, both are light. It's too thematically similar. Could offer some fun religious discussions and interactions in-universe, still. My other problem with that is, it feels too pagan. This southern realm is supposed to be based on renaissance Italy, cultures around the Adriatic Sea, Spain, orthodox Greece and such.
Maybe something with saint worship, but no idea where their powers are supposed to come from.

>>96167952
I think the saint worship thing is the right direction to go in. Ditch the fire stuff, and have them follow a quasi-Catholic religion. Much more fitting for Renaissance Italy. You could have saint analogues, historical or semi-historical figures who basically took the place of the dozens of old pagan gods. They have a hierarchy where the top saint is basically Jesus and the ones just below him are like the disciples. Then above them are the 'Messengers' (angels) who grant them their powers and give them messages from their master. And the 'Messengers' have hierarchies too. Then right at the top there's a very vaguely defined figure, possibly more a universal force than a discreet being, that fills the position of 'god', although our monotheistic concept of god is something they associate more with the sun-worshippers.

>>96172003
Thank you, it will probably take some time until I have the chance to start describing whatever that religion may turn out to be. But making it needlessly hierarchic with a confusing amount of saints sounds like something fun to write.