I just took a big fat shit on the Tokyo Metro. After dumping my big fat shit all over the seat, I picked up a bunch of it with my bare hands and smeared it on the hair of the young lady sitting near me. She screamed and tried to run away, but I grabbed her hair, inadvertently smearing more shit all over it, and threw her to the ground. I then sat on top of her and continued smearing my big fat shit, this time on her face too. I made sure to force her mouth open and put some in there for good measure.

Is what I just did illegal? Will I be in trouble with the law for doing this? I'm currently wandering around outside with shit smeared all over my clothes - I wiped my hands on myself so I could make this post - and I'm wondering what to do.