>“Harry, did I ever tell you about my secret nephew Aurelius? He was an illegitimate half-muggle love child whom his family was ashamed of, so his mother’s sister sailed to the United States with him as a baby, instead of his father or mother. When the ship started to sink (because it was the Titanic), the unrelated half-black daughter of a rapist mind control wizard switched him out with her half-brother (whose mother was consensual, and also white). The rapist wizard didn't care about the daughter, but he did love his son, and he was afraid that his daughter’s mother's son would be angry that his mother was mind control raped and kill the baby instead of the rapist, so he sent the son he loved across the sea (on the Titanic) to be raised in an orphanage by a muggle who hated magic instead of protecting him himself. Anyway, both babies just happened to be magic, so the daughter switched them so she could have a less annoying brother. His aunt thought that her nephew was still on the Titanic, and felt so strongly about this secret shame child that she’d tried to abandon in America that she tried to swim down and rescue him and drowned instead of just using magic while the rape daughter watched and did nothing to inform her that her real son was already safe. She then gave my nephew to a French half-elf servant who served the mother, and after the mother was raped and died in childbirth, that meant she had to continue serving the rapist, who thought he was the real son, and delivered him to the orphanage. My nephew was then raised as a muggle who didn't know how to control his magic, destroyed half of New York, had sex with Voldemort's pet snake, pioneered goth fashion, killed Bambi, and joined the alt-right led by a gay, sodomizable wizard Nazi who wanted to stop WWII. By the way, don’t ask why they used a muggle boat instead of apparating or flying across the ocean. They were all good friends, except the rapist mind control wizard” he said calmly.
"Harry, did I ever tell you about the forbidden lemon drops? They were crafted in a dungeon by a rogue house-elf with a thing for whipped cream, using sugar smuggled from a Venetian orgy. The recipe called for moonwater, a dash of dragon’s lust, and three drops of a veela’s… essence. Naturally, the Ministry banned them—not because they were dangerous, but because they made witches and wizards moan in public. One batch got shipped to America on the Titanic (don’t ask why, wizards are terrible at logistics), but a cursed chocolatier—who moonlighted as a dominatrix for sentient desserts—swapped them with her half-brother’s ‘mints’ (which were just crushed-up sobriety vows). The real lemon drops ended up in a speakeasy run by a goblin in fishnets, where they were snorted by a gang of horny poltergeists. They later founded a cult, seduced the Giant Squid, and tried to overthrow the Wizengamot with a very persuasive orgy. Dumbledore confiscated the last one—which is why I lick my fingers after every meeting."
He bellowed calmly, winking as his beard twitched suggestively.
"Harry, did I ever tell you about the cursed lemon drop that started the Great Pudding Scandal of 1893? It all began when a drunk house-elf named Blinky got frisky with an éclair—don’t ask how, elf magic works in mysterious ways—and nine months later, out plopped a lemon drop with a very unusual pedigree. The éclair’s pastry cream had been infused with Amortentia (long story involving a jilted baker and a love potion gone wrong), so the lemon drop was born with… urges. It seduced a treacle tart, corrupted a virgin fruitcake, and once even made a crème brûlée self-combust from sheer excitement. I kept it in a lead-lined tin under his bed, but one night it escaped, got into the Floo powder, and wound up in the Ministry’s annual dessert gala. Long story short, three politicians were caught in a compromising position with a gelatin mold, the Wizengamot had to pass a Decency in Desserts Act, and now all lemon drops are legally required to wear little aprons. I’d offer you one, but… well. Best not."
He shouted calmly, stretching his legs and licking his lips with a wink as he raised the apron of the lemon drop he held in his hand, and licked it with relish before swallowing it whole.
