>>714017430When I was little, I was forced to compete in swim meets at my father's country club. It sucked. I wanted to do anything else. But that's not the point.
The point is, I had to use the restroom between events, and at that time, just sitting there in the bowl, I saw the most massive turd I'd ever seen to that date. Maybe in hindsight, with the weight of many years between me and the memory, it wasn't truly that huge, but it was certainly the biggest shit the then nine-year-old me had ever born witness to, or could conceive was even possible.
Whoever you are, whether you tried to flush and it wouldn't go down, so you slunk out and shamefully abandoned your comrade on the battlefield, or whether you deliberately, purposefully, left it behind as a testament to your day's work, I want you to know I've never forgotten it. The hazy memory of that banana brick became the standard by which I've judged other poos my entire life.
I took first place in the backstroke that day, but I feel like you were the only real winner. I'll never be able to gift it to you - not in small part because I lost the fucking thing along with so much other childhood flotsam - but you deserved that blue ribbon more than me.
God speed, you mad bomber.