>>715045616Rock bottom.
[blogpost]There were countless times where I'd reached what I thought was an all time low, where I vowed to myself I never wanted to feel like this again, but the addiction plays tricks on you. After a few weeks or months you begin to forget what you felt like and you convince yourself it wasn't that bad, or that you can enjoy these things again without getting to that state. What I needed was that one experience that terrified me enough to truly stick in my brain. With alcohol, that was being admitted to hospital 4 times over the space of one year with acute alcohol withdrawal after a month-long binge each time. I had experienced DTs before but never that extreme and never in such quick succession. On my last visit, my doctor advised me that I had developed hepatitis of the liver, and that my next visit would likely be my last and that the damage would be permanent.
With weed it was waking up one morning, not having smoked the night before, and still feeling stoned. I felt anxious, and spaced out, like nothing around me was real, like I was walking through a simulation and the people around me were puppets. It felt like a loss of reality and identity. Felt like a bad time on mushrooms. I was used to feeling this way occasionally after smoking too much, but never while sober. The moment that stuck with me, several days later, was going to visit my mother and not recognizing her. I knew her face, and that she was my mother, from an intellectual standpoint. But I did not have the recognition response in my brain, she did not feel familiar, she was a puppet like everybody else. That feeling lasted for what felt like forever, several years at least. Eight years later and its mostly gone and only occasionally and mildly comes back. Even the slightest bit of weed takes me right back there, I can't touch the stuff anymore.