Thread 717486040

Pokémon Yellow. You know, the one where Pikachu follows you around like some deranged electric stalker. It's like Hey You, Pikachu, ever heard of personal fucking space?! I can't even take a shit without this mustard-colored furball breathing down my goddamn neck!
This screeching urine-drenched nutstain gets shoved into your party like the developer's favorite bastard child. Whether you like it or not, you're stuck babysitting the mascot. You can't evolve it. It's stuck in its diaper-shitting baby-ass form forever, like some whiny spark-spewing rodent that refuses to grow the fuck up. Why? Because the game said "no, you're not allowed to be powerful, you have to be cute!"
You want a Raichu? Too bad, bitch. You're stuck with the poster boy until death do you part.
Why the hell does Pikachu hate the Thunder Stone, anyway? Raichu is literally an upgrade! That's like refusing to evolve from a tricycle into a motorcycle because "I like the color." You try to give him a Thunder Stone and he looks at you like you just tried to feed him a turd sandwich.
[AVGN turns to Pikachu and presses A to talk to it]
Pikachu: "You like this, asshole?"
No. I don't.

>>717486040 (OP)
Every time you turn to it, the game makes you look at its face instead of just walking. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY! You press A and it's like "Pikachu looks happy!" Yeah? Well I'm not, you smug yellow ball of static cling. Try hurting yourself in confusion for five turns straight while a Zubat sucks the soul outta your forehead like a goddamn Capri Sun.
Let's talk about that. Wild encounters. You can't walk five fucking steps in tall grass without being ambushed by the same three inbred rodents with rabies. I swear I ran into so many Pidgeys I started coughing up feathers and shitting beaks. I'm surrounded by diseased, molting, trash-can pigeons that won't stop multiplying like they're breeding inside of my fucking cartridge! It's like every patch of grass in this game doubles as a pigeon orgy.
And oh boy... the bag system. It's like trying to organize a landfill with a pair of chopsticks duct-taped to your dick. I can't pick this up - "There's no more room for items!" "Item can't be tossed." "Item can't be used here." What CAN I do, you cartridge-shaped asshole? You're telling me this ten-year-old can carry a bicycle, a fishing rod, a whole goddamn rat in a ball, but not ONE MORE FUCKING POTION?! You can only hold like 20 items. Want to carry Poké Balls, Potions, TMs, and Key Items? TOO FUCKING BAD. 20 total slots, no categories or auto-sorting, and zero mercy. It’s like trying to carry your whole life in a fucking lunchbox. Every two steps you get "Your bag is full!"

>>717486057
Great. Let me throw away my Escape Rope so I can carry another goddamn Antidote. Am I playing as a toddler with a fanny pack or a fucking Pokémon trainer?
And the PC system? Christ on a Snorlax. God help you if you want to move a Pokémon. You gotta go into BILL'S PC, select "Deposit," select "Withdraw," and fight the goddamn UI like it just fucked your wife and owes you money.
And WHO THE FUCK IS BILL?! Oh right, he's that dipshit who turned himself into a goddamn Clefairy. Real trustworthy tech wizard there. The guy fuses his own DNA with Pokémon like a bootleg Jeff Goldblum, and I'm supposed to trust him with my Charizard? You're forced to use his janky-ass storage system like he's the slumlord of your entire goddamn team.
Want to reorganize your party? Okay, here's five nested menus, twelve confirmation prompts, and a user interface designed by a fucking caveman banging rocks together with his crusty Neanderthal nutsack.

>>717486105
Then there's Team Rocket. Jessie and James - yeah, they're in this one, which sounds cool at first... until you realize it means fighting the same gas-huffing meatball and limp noodle duo every few minutes like you're trapped in a Saturday morning cartoon from Satan's asshole on infinite loop. They show up every five feet like they've got your nutsack hardwired into Google Maps. You beat their ass, they blast off again, only to reappear a few minutes later like a festering case of herpes. They show up so often, I'm pretty sure they have a tracking chip in my asshole. Every time I enter a new area it's "Prepare for trouble!"
No! Prepare for me to beat your sorry asses for the 12th time today!
They never learn. It's like flushing a turd and watching it float back up to the surface like "Sup bitch, round two?"

>>717486140
And don't even get me fucking started on Surfing Pikachu. The game teases you with this badass intro of Pikachu riding a wave like electric Jesus. There's even a whole mini-game. But can you actually play it? NO. Not without a Nintendo 64, Pokémon Stadium, a Transfer Pak, three blood offerings to Shigeru Miyamoto, and praying to the ghost of Satoru Iwata during a solar eclipse while chanting backwards in Latin and balancing on a fucking Wii Balance Board. It’s a circus of asinine bullshit.
And the music. Holy mother of ass. The music loops endlessly like a truck backing up in your skull. By the third badge, you're rocking in the corner humming the PokéCenter theme like a trauma patient begging Nurse Joy to sedate you with morphine. "Please, Joy. Just give me the good stuff. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to hear another encounter jingle for the rest of my life. I CAN'T!!"

>>717486182
This game is a piece of Game Boy catshit dipped in nostalgia sprinkles. You play it thinking it's fun, but it's actually just Stockholm Syndrome in 8-bit. And I'm the dumbass who fell for it.
Pokémon Yellow?
More like Pokémon PISS!
PIIIIKAAAA...
FUUUUCK YOU!!
[AVGN rips the cartridge out of the Game Boy, dunks it in a toilet full of shit, dropkicks it across the room, then pisses on it while flipping off the camera with both hands.]

That was a good episode.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QaG6iNOcP8

>>717486040 (OP)
>>717486057
>>717486105
>>717486140
>>717486182
>>717486224

I haven't kept up with AVGN in years. Qrd on what happened to his hair?

WHERE DID THEIR HAIR GO?

>>717487509
He started losing his hair in his early twenties, and now he's in his mid-forties.

>>717486687
You guys are killin’ me. This whole thread reads like a fever dream AVGN never filmed but should've. Every goddamn point hits harder than Hyper Beam with no recharge. Pikachu being glued to your ass like an electrified hemorrhoid, the endless Pidgey gangbang in every patch of grass, Team Rocket respawning like a virus in your taint-it's all too real.

And don’t forget how the game makes you keep using Cut forever. You’re a ten-year-old chosen savior of the world and half your team gets sacrificed to be HM slaves like you're running a Pokémon sweatshop. "Oh, you want to take two steps past this tiny bush? Better teach your Blastoise to castrate itself with a butter knife first."

This game is nostalgia cyanide-tastes sweet going down, but it’s melting your brain from the inside.

>>717487981
facts

>>717486040 (OP)
bald

>>717486105
Bro. BILL. Fuckin’ Bill. Man turns himself into a furry Frankenstein and now he’s the grand wizard of your entire Pokémon filing cabinet. Dude basically turned into a Pokémon because he forgot to lock his door while jamming himself into a Clefairy Onesie and now I’m trusting him with 12 of my highest-level creatures like he’s not petting them inappropriately the moment I log off. It’s like letting Jeffrey Dahmer run your daycare.

And the UI? It’s like trying to send an email by programming in Morse code with your goddamn feet. Want to switch Pokémon boxes? TOO BAD. First you have to save the game. Then you switch. Then you realize your box is full RIGHT AFTER catching Mewtwo and the game tells you “no room,” and that majestic god-beast just VANISHES INTO THE VOID. Gone. Poof. Fucked straight into data purgatory because Bill’s Neanderthal-ass database software runs on expired DOS and hopes.

Meanwhile, the PC items box is like a junk drawer from hell. You’ve got TMs from Route 3, a fossil you forgot about, and like seven Moon Stones 'cause you were too afraid to chuck anything in case it was "important later." It’s digital hoarding with Pokémon and the only one profiting is that smug-ass Clefairy hybrid bastard.

>>717486057
And don't forget the moment you hit Celadon and think, "Finally, I can buy a Fire Stone for my Vulpix!" Psych! There's no stone evolution for you, dumbass-because you can't carry one without ditching five Potions, a Bicycle, and your sense of hope. And even if you could pick one up, your party's full, your bag's full, your PC’s full, everything’s FUCKING FULL except your will to live, which drains faster than Pikachu's PP after spamming Thunderbolt through Rock Tunnel like a blind drunk.

Meanwhile, Pikachu’s still following you with those dead soulless anime-ass eyes like it’s counting the seconds until you finally snap and bury it under Mt. Moon. You try to walk past a ledge and the little shit gets stuck behind a rock like it’s challenged in three dimensions. You turn around, press A like a masochist, and what does it say? “Pikachu looks confused.” GOOD. WELCOME TO MY WORLD, YOU ELECTRIFIED TAMPON.

this is great OP

>>717487509
It's been a slow, tragic war between James and his hairline, and the hairline won. Dude's been looking a little more Professor Oak with every passing year. You can almost hear the AVGN intro theme every time another follicle gives up and jumps ship. Honestly, he should embrace it-slap some thunderbolt stickers on his scalp and call it an Electric-type evolution. "This ain't thinning, it's VOLT LOSS, motherf***er!"

>>717486040 (OP)
Bump