How are you holding up?

Not good. Trying to pull the shattered parts of yourself back together is hard. Every shard I reach for to try to put back cuts me again and I’m never going to find all the pieces anyway.

I just fucked up the only relationship I've ever had, because my retarded heart keeps randomly alternating between love and indifference for her, while the fear of losing her was making me feel deeply sick and broken. I don't know who I am anymore. I wish I didn't turn something sweet into a BPD diagnosis...

>>5883185
you get it probably

>>5883200
Sucks bra. We used to call these bah threads. My birthday was Friday. My mom died a couple years ago. I bought myself a small cake and ate it alone in the car by myself then went home where my wife was too busy to make me a cake or get me a present. If I didn’t have my daughter I’d give them hell.
Women are temporary even the ones that stick around.

my mom put 15 cats in my room and she won't get rid of them. my life was already suicide fuel living with her and sharing a room, but now it's utter hell where i don't get 5 minutes of undisturbed time. i already had a slew of undiagnosed mental health problems and severe insomnia, but now i'm basically fucking dying. i don't even need to kill myself anymore.

i've been a neet my entire life and don't know how to move out or idk maybe i'm just too much of a pussy to grind hard. every day is overwhelming and i just want it to stop.

>>5883251

Don't forget your old shipmate

>>5883179 (OP)
Just quit my relationship after 3 years and I'm feeling quite good actually, quite relieved. Feels like I gained back a large part of my autonomy.

>>5883207
Happy birthday anon. You made one mistake, even though you started with the correct hunch. It was good that you bought yourself that cake, because it's your birthday and you deserve it. But by eating it in the car (I can read from your posting that you took that as a negative) you turned it into something mundane, like eating a Pepperami you just bought at the fuel station. You need to cherish the things you do to yourself and for yourself. Take the cake home, eat it in the kitchen while watching an episode of BattleBots, or if you have an office at home, put it on the computer and eat the cake while putting your legs on the desk. But to be honest, fuck the cake. If your wife doesn't care about your birthday, tell her that you won't be there for dinner. Leave work, go to a restaurant and treat yourself to a nice filet steak. I know the meme about going to the restaurant alone, or to the cinema alone, it's all bullshit. You are an autonomous being, you deserve to treat yourself nicely. And if your wife has a problem with that, it tells you more about herself than about you.

When my ex wife left me 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with severe depression and got the whole program, medication and all. Had to "learn to walk" again and one thing my therapist told me was to set boundaries to protect yourself. And one thing she said stood with me for the past 4 years and I can't forget it:
>Be careful when you set boundaries. Your true friends will congratulate you for the mental strength you're showing through it. But there will be people who will get angry with you because of it. Be wary of them. Those are people who benefitted from you not having boundaries before.

>>5883291
dude 15 cats... how are you not blowing your brain out every day... can you post a picture of your room

>>5883179 (OP)
Not good man... Not good at all...

wish my bf acted like he liked me

>>5883179 (OP)
it's not getting any better i can tell you that

>chronic pain, fatigue, constant infections for a year
>no diagnosis, feel like I'm going insane
>finally a doc gives me meds that work
>condition goes into remission, actually feel human again
>few months of peace
>pain comes back
>curled up on the floor during work calls because sitting or standing hurts too much
>remember how depressed I was the first time
>can't believe it’s all happening again

I've fucked up my entire life and its entirely my fault. Sometimes I wonder if it'd have been better had I been some dumb fuck from the ghetto doing the best I could with what I had, but my dad worked hard to get me a good education and I pissed it all away.
My mother died last october, my dad has cancer, my 1 set of remaining grandparents has failing health.
Basically my whole reason for existing is to check in on my grandparents and to go to a shit job I hate to support my neet older brother
I'm too scared of death to be suicidal, but I do often ponder what the point would be

>>5883513
>Those are people who benefitted from you not having boundaries before.
I started trying to do this and that’s when it really hit home that me getting better isn’t a priority… to anyone. I’m also trying to learn to walk again. I’m not going to a shrink though no money for that and I can teach psychology with my degree wanna know a secret? Psychologists and teachers are the most fucked up among us and we trust our children and mental health to these monsters.
>autonomy
I don’t even remember what that means.

Im alright.

Just taking it one day at a time and trying to enjoy the little things. Had a nice slow workout in the rain today.

>>5883291
Was in a similar situation at one point in my life anon, only got out of it because mom went to prison. Was homeless for a while, got my shit together, now I have a house/wife/kid. It's only gonna get better if you get out of there, so you're gonna need to learn to stop being sad about your situation and start hating it enough to get uncomfotable.

>>5883813
I never knew how bad chronic pain fucked your life up until I started my job as a firefighter. I've got one regular in my territory who started as simple back pain and now she begs me to throw her in traffic at least once a month. Has a whole shopping bag full of meds just to function and her vitals are always crazy. Bless you anon, I'm glad you got a break from it and I pray this is temporary.

>>5883813
Have you had your vitamin D and B vitamin levels checked?

>>5884539
fuck you
have your nightmares

>Have best friend since I was a young kid
>Big falling out between us in our early 20's where I stop speaking to him all together
>Around that time, also broken up with by my first girlfriend because she hated my work schedule and didn't feel like I could see her enough.
>Years of stagnation follow, few friends, barely leaving the house except to work and then come back.
>Need to sell something so a coworker convinces me to make a facebook account just to put it up on market
>Out of curiosity, look up my ex to see how she's doing, at this point nearly 6 years have passed.
>She's married to the friend that I had a falling out with
>Completely mindfucked since I'd never introduced the two of them and to my knowledge they'd never met at least when I knew them.
Is this God giving me the biggest fuck you in history? If I thought I was doing bad before, I'm doing way worse now.

those are all the webms i have, anyways i hope i sufficiently bumped this thread. took a while.

>>5883813
chronic pain and fatigue is a mental illness, its linked to ur depression causing autoimmune issues. just eat properly take multivitamins and drink 2 litres MINIMUM a day and work on the root cause of ur depression by actually doing something to improve ur life which i doubt u can do cuz ur a feminised man, usually only women get fake chronic illnesses. and dont take meds.

>>5883179 (OP)
There was this clip (likely from a movie), with this guy who feels sad because of his loneliness in a club, the other who is probably his friend or mentor idk, tells him that the truth is no young girl will ever fancy him, and he must learn to live with that, anyone remembers, it has been posted in /feels/ and other melancholic threads before.

>>5883179 (OP)
I remember around 2021 there were 5 of these threads up at once. I did my part calling every single anon a faggot and that they should rope. Now there is only 1 so either they got their shit together or they did rope. Either way, it's a win.

>>5883207
Jesus fuck anon, when did the honeymoon phase stop with your wife? and why the fuck did you think:
>Yeah, we should have a kid, I bet that will bring us together again.

>>5883513
Honestly? You're not 5, who cares about one's birthday anyways? In my experience women really have trouble with agency so I never gave my wife any. She can plan our vacations and the birthdays and whatever big social events she wants but:
>mortgage, insurance, schooling, 401K, weekly meals
That's on me because I know she will waste a lot of time on unnecessary bullshit or just ignore a good deal because she will believe it's not perfect or whatever bullshit excuse her female mind can conjure.
I love this arrangement, she never asks me
>"Honey, do you think the beige or pastel curtains look better with the coffee table"
and I would never ask her
>"Dear, do you think the tires are a little worn out?"
or
>"Honey, is the heater making a weird sound?"
I just look at it, see if I can fix it and see when I should call a guy. I literally tell her:
>"Won't be done today, if you need to wash your hair go to your mothers"
Never, ever treat your wife as an equal. Sure, treat her with respect but don't ever try to assume that all tasks should be split 50/50. There's nothing a woman hates more than having to deal with choices that have consequences.

>>5883179 (OP)
feeling pretty good today, thanks anon

>>5883813
A lot of "chronic" issues and modern diseases are simply caused by modern lifestyle.
Lack of excercise, shitty food and too much stress.
Evolution hasn't even adapted yet to the recent 10.000 years of agriculture, let alone the 50-100 years of current modern civ.

I used to have IBS, unexplainable headaches, bloodnoses, skin rash, back pains,.. I weighted 121lbs (55kg) for 5'11 (181cm).
I crashed out with a burnout some years ago and refused to take meds to numb the symptoms and get back on my feet "asap".
Instead I decided to step away from society as a hole and focus on resting.
I started working in my garden, growing food, taking walks, fixing things on my house, buying only fresh foods to make healthy meals, stopped eating and drinking any processed foods, brought structure in my life.

Within a few months most of my "chronic" issues were fading, after about 6 months they were completely gone.
It's been 3 years now and I'm at 143lbs (65kg, mind you, not from eating shit but from physical labor) and I feel better than I've ever felt in my life both physically and mentally.
I will never join the rat race again, because it is simply not compatible with a healthy lifestyle. I couldn't care less about "things", nothing is more important than health.

honestly the worst I've ever been
never let your family manipulate and guilt you into doing something that will literally ruin your life

>>5883829
>Psychologists and teachers are the most fucked up among us and we trust our children and mental health to these monsters.
Yes, I had a psychiatrist in the family, uncle. He was nuts. People that go into that field are trying to diagnose themselves. Some can, and some cannot. My uncle had this old school beat off machine that looked kind of like one of those back massagers with the cord, but it had a sleeve for your cock. You'd hear it rumble up at strange times, sometimes in the middle of the day or late at night. I also overheard him mumbling to himself once while he was asleep on the couch. He said 'What are you? Where did you come from? Where did you hatch from?' Freaked me out.

>>5883200
>I just fucked up the only relationship I've ever had, because my retarded heart keeps randomly alternating between love and indifference for her, while the fear of losing her was making me feel deeply sick and broken. I don't know who I am anymore. I wish I didn't turn something sweet into a BPD diagnosis...

i'm with you. today is our anniversary. we met against all odds may 28th, that was 10 years ago. i couldn't figure out a way to make us happen, she waited on me long enough, but my failures caused so much resentment. she left me 3 years ago and made it her life's work to never speak to me again. i've tried everything to reach her, to hear from her. 3 years. i call i text i send gifts and still wish her a happy birthday, yesterday, i even downloaded "ludo king" thinking i could show up as a notification asking her to play, but i underestimated the depths she went to so she's truly unreachable to me. i'm 31, and i don't want to meet anyone again. i'm also lonely, everyday is a reminder that i failed at love and life. 3 years didn't numb my pain, it feels she only left me yesterday. i'm so sorry baby. i'm sorry i wasn't good enough for you.

>>5885380
You good? What happened if we can ask anon?

>>5883179 (OP)
Stuck in a tech job I don't like and where I'm underpaid, when I previously had I job I liked a year ago before shit hit the fan. Getting older, no motivation or energy to improve or do anything, I feel trapped

>>5884784
me but with replace female caregiver with male caregiver

>>5885594
everyone is, that's the whole damn point, to make you stuck and make you consoom to feel better for 5 seconds. The easy fix is free time, stop working full time and start doing stuff for yourself. Nobody ever regretted working less

>>5883291

Sometimes I am deluded into thinking I have it bad, then I read shit like this.

posting OC

>>5884782
Four years into widowhood.
It doesn't get any better.

I'm like many of you, no gf or any friend really. Working at a dead end jobs despite having engineer degree. Leeching off my parents to survive. Despite all of this, I don't feel lonely or depress. At least not to the point of want to kill myself. Some of you may find this shallow but all the entertainment such anime, manga, and video games really help in a way. You could argue that I'm just shut out everything and escape from reality, but I enjoy with what I have.
The only thing that worry me is how long will I last. At some point, when I don't have money or my parent died. How will I survive to old age.

>>5887336
Hugs.
How do you keep going?

>>5887336
I was about to yell bullshit but then I remembered. This place is over 20 years old now. If you really were over 30 when this place was young you could easily be entering your 60's by now.
Tell me, how does it feel to see the decline in real time? Was it something you noticed? Did you delude yourself into thinking the board was the same as it ever was? How does it feel that the skills you were taught to survive no longer apply? Also, did you really have to go to the bank on saturdays?

>>5883291

join the military, dosent have to be the army and dosent have to be forever

Got drunk and embarrassed myself in front of all of my "friends" (I use the term loosely) and some other people at my university. I was completely blacked out so I have no clue what I even said and I'm afraid to ask. An ambulance ended up being called because I drank so much. It's a tiny city so I can't even avoid these people. I haven't eaten in days and I'm afraid to leave my bedroom, lest I see them.
I hate being a terminal fuck-up.

>>5883291
>my mom put 15 cats in my room and she won't get rid of them.
That sounds fucking awesome wtf

Just waiting for my parents to die so I can 12 gauge slug my head off without anyone being sad about it.

If I go to hell because of that, then too bad I guess... I just hope there's no afterlife.

>>5884896
Could've swore I just saw that webm scrolling around, now I can't find it...

It's from Michel Houellebecq's book, the title is translated to "Whatever" in America but it's called Extension du domaine de la lutte or "The Extension of the Domain of Struggle" in French.

There's also a movie which that clip is from.

>>5883813
I'm curious about your condition.
When did it start?
Is there anything you notice making it better or worse?
Can you describe the pain? Where is it, what does it feel like?
Aside from the initial point of pain, are there any other sensations or oddities that coincide with it?
Can you recall what you were doing prior to it starting?

Did you change your diet, did you move to a new house, get a new car, new roommate, etc prior to it starting?

most days i feel like sleeping throughout the day hoping to pass it, but then realize nothing will change once i get to tomorrow
ive been feeling this way for months now and i just want it to end either with me dead in a ditch or moving on from this depressing cycle

>>5889165

>>5887971
Been there done that.
Stop drinking. Move on with your life.

I sat here trying to put into words how I'm feeling but all I can come up with is that I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. I've been a complete disappointment to my mother, my brother, myself...hell, everyone I've ever met. I just don't want to do this anymore. It's too much. I want out but I'm too much of a coward to go through with it.

>>5887535
the scene where he tries to speak up about his mental issues and fails because he cant put it into words is one of my favorite scenes ever.
i think what sells it is the other driver just failing to really understand whats wrong with him and telling him to just pull his shit together. in real life ive seen this happen a lot, men cant ask for help because they dont know how, and that hasnt changed.

>>5887971
i know what this is like and my advice is to just roll with the laughter. give it a few weeks and it'll be a funny anecdote for everyone involved. but if you make a big deal out of it, they'll remember you for that reaction.

there's nothing wrong with getting wasted and getting an ambulance ride. happens pretty often in big cities. in my case a relative had to drive me home half unconscious. the next morning is pretty embarrasing but it'll pass.

I made this webm. The picture is one that I drew shortly before a suicide attempt. I was curious what I would look like after I blew my brains out, so I posed, used myself as a reference. I tried doing it on New years Eve, 2023. I wrote up my will, chambered the pistol, and I rehearsed doing it by putting it on safety and pulling the trigger while it was in my mouth. It's a double action, so I gauged my readiness by how much I flinched every time the hammer fell, I just kept pulling until I stopped reacting. The only reason I'm alive right now is because a friend randomly decided to call me. I broke down to him and ultimately I dropped the gun and went to sleep. Despite this random grace of God, I am still selfish and still wish to die.

Back then, I had put years of effort into myself. I had a good job, I had a very fit, beautiful body. These things stop mattering so much after you bury friends, lose your job, and get cheated on all in the same year. The woman broke things off on Christmas day of course. I didn't even get to know she was cheating until after the fact. It has been years and I'm still emotionally ruined by that single year. I've made strides since then, I completed my EMS class with the highest grade, I've handled traumatic shit in the ambulance pretty well. I tried dating again, but it was catastrophic for everyone involved. Despite my progress, I still feel like the same loser I was 3 years ago. These days I feel like less than an incel. I feel untouchable, I feel like everyone smells the shame and failure on my skin, I feel consumed.

>>5883291
>already had a slew of undiagnosed mental health problems and severe insomnia,
The symptoms of most of those mental disorders like BPD are akin to the descriptions of those in history considered demonized or demon possessed. The issue is spiritual trauma therefore the treatment must be a spiritual one.
https://youtu.be/2-BZaxgV8Zg

>>5883207
Happy late birthday anon! I hope the cake was real tasty.

I spend most of my days trying to distract myself. I wake up in pain, I go to sleep in pain, I spend my days in pain. I have to cope with a ex wife that absolutely fucked me in court but in reality it wasn't her that fucked me. It was a completely broken system that fucked me. The days all meld together. The only thing that's greater than my depression is my anger. I pray society breaks down every day. I want to watch the world burn.

>>5883291
is that you red

>>5890121
yeah who's this?

>>5885359
Good on you if you already have a house or your parent has and you can live with them. If you don't, its much harder to step away from it all.

Hey /wsg/, it's been a while.
Today I'm suffering. Alot. It's one of those nights where I honestly wish I could just disappear.
Why do some people have to be so evil, anons? Why do they manage to just get rid of you so easily?
To make you to be the bad guy, despite you having endured their bullshit for so long?
I don't know.
I don't know why I'm even thinking about this shit tonight. But it hurts.
Gosh does it all hurt, thinking about all of the shit I've went through. Years ago, more recently, now...

>>5883291
>my mom put 15 cats in my room
Based prankster mom

>>5884763
As someone about to be 40 i wish I was still 20

FIGHT ANONS, DONT GIVE UP!

Anons I know you're in a bad place, I know life has handed you an awful deal at life. I've been there myself, felt like my soul was dragging its burnt half dead self forward with one arm. But I want you to know I believe in you and that no matter where you are, no matter what you're going through you always got me right there cheering you on. And no matter what life throws at you I'll stand before life, God, angels, demons, spirits, scientific facts or whatever you choose to believe in and say "My anon is number 1!"

>>5890528
God bless you

>>5883179 (OP)
How about some good feels
1

>>5890599
2

3

4
North Star Wars

5
Down on the holler

6
what we poo

7
Bar Kokba

8
Thinking

8
Tears

We're all here for a reason anons, I'm sure of it.
Know that I'm rooting for you!

>>5890726

>>5889457
is there were some people go in the afterlife?

>>5884798
Good video...I dropped out of society for a few years like this (after finishing school and getting work experience)...it was really difficult, then it got easy then I "reintergrated" myself into society, i can just handle the bullshit of society better now and enjoy my life more.

Definetly never kill yourself, cant tell you how glad I am that i chose to live. Is my life perfect? Is everyday awesome? No not even close but its perspective now.

>>5889844
id look up the "spotlight effect". truth is most people are too selfish too care...the only way people will care about you is you help them (and they may dislike you for it).

Try not to worry about other people, dont be mad at them...is there something you like or always wanted to do? Maybe just do it? Ever wanted to learn guitar? Can just start doing it everyday on yousician an hour a day for no other reason than it's something you want to do...i dono it helped me

>>5889844
also, you shoudl probably get rid of your gun...suicide is often impulsive and removing ways to do it will likely increase your chances of not doing it. Almost everyone who survives a legit suicide attempt really regrets it

watch this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcOE-LDz_V0

This girls was gorgeous, she shot her face off (then got a face transplant but is still messed up)

She regrets it...and guess what now she realizes how precious life is even though she will never be pretty or smart again...she is alive...

just dont anon and if you really are serious in your story can you please get rid of your gun for me? Dont have that thing around if it could be the soruce of impulse

>>5891397
>>5891402
I was drunk out of my fucking mind when I made that post. I don't really think I'm a true danger to myself anymore. I have to say I feel a lot better after typing that out. I guess I just needed to vent about it. I used to take these things to my friends, but I don't want to take advantage of them by using them as a dumping ground for my struggles. I also just really dislike having to talk about things, I wish I could brain it out internally.
I've woken up with new resolve today and I'm going to try going cold turkey on the booze. I feel good

I'm not mad at anyone anymore, I used to be, but that year forced me to understand the suffering and finality of death. How can I be mad at anyone if everyone deserves compassion? We're all thrown into the meat grinder to grow old, suffer and die, how can compassion for others not be the answer? Then again I put my cognitive dissonance on display. I know this is logical and I believe it for others, but the concept of self compassion, or self love, all those terms that get thrown around now in self help guides are just completely alien to me, if I ever practice it, I don't really recognize it.
It's funny you mention it though. Shortly after the events of my story, I started learning guitar. I've been getting really good as of late and it is my daily escape. What kind of stuff do you play?

Thanks for the reply anon

western europe, 8:50 AM, still haven't slept. I didn't talk to anybody my age except my parents and physicians since high school where I was bullied. And I'm 26. My life sucks. I'm short ugly poor sick
what did I do to deserve this

>>5884785
FUCK YOU AND FUCK WHOEVER MADE THIS VIDEO
THIS IS THE WEBS THAT GOT ME INTO BEATLES

>>5884779
God doesn't give fuck yous anon. It was a lesson to hold on to people in your life, they're not as replaceable as you think they are. I've been through a similar experience. God bless you friend.

>>5884784
this nigga gives chatGPT a female name and feels warm and fuzzy inside when she listens validates his feelings OMEGALUL

>>5890740
surce manga?

>>5891459
>what did I do to deserve this
no one gets what they deserve or dont deserve, its just world fallacy
theres not much meaning to this universe, we cant humanize, it its completely inanimate and unconscious.

also song?

>>5892031
Planetes.

My high security computer broke so now I can't come onto 4chan and shitpost with you guys cuz I'm a schitzo.
Now I'm forced to only see you guys from hotel business centers lest I feel the eyes burning my skull open.
I miss you guys a lot.

>>5892271
better version imo

>>5891446
>>5891446
Good webm

>I'm not mad at anyone anymore
one of the best feelings, if people are not quite there yet and still need to be angry at people i found it helpful to remind myself "the world eventually takes care of people"...after a while it turned into "no man is an island, we are all connected I hope everyone finds their way".

>>5891446
>I started learning guitar. I've been getting really good as of late and it is my daily escape.
rad.

>>5891446
>What kind of stuff do you play?
I started off on chords playing folk and indie, then I moved to fingerstyle, the pieces were quite a struggle but when I just sat down and played them in slow motion speed on yt four measures at a time an hour a day...

it was wild how far I would get in a month. You can learn really cool songs every 6 weeks, by the end of a year you have eight solid songs in your repitoire.

I really like this guys youtube channel for learning finger style, Kenneth Acoustic


almost all of his arrangements are in standard tuning or drop f and he arranges with capo, really makes them learnable
https://youtu.be/biC5gF3Ti5s?t=49

Check out his channel, he has 700 + videos, just search for a song you like, its probably there

>>5884763
>watch this at 16
>"I'm sure glad that won't be me."
>watch it again at 18
>"I'll just take a gap year and get right back into things when I turn 19."
>watch it again at 20
>"This is honestly good motivation to get my shit together before I imagine this at 21."
>watching it now at 24
>mfw

>>5892272
No, horrible

>>5892449
better version?

I just feel empty now.
work keeps me very much distracted so i don't notice it as much but as soon as i go to leave and get home, i feel so alone and empty.
sometimes i look forward going to work because then i wont be alone anymore.

For a long time I've been determined NOT to kill myself. I try to remain grateful for everything I have or have had and see every new day as a gift from God. I still say "I'll kms" in moments of frustration, but I don't really mean it, it's just a substitute for curse words. Honestly, I think it sounds worse than curse words, I started keeping track of how many times a day this happens in hopes to lose the habit.
I am still hopeless and my life's still not going anywhere but I feel like it's my duty to keep on living.
Webm unrelated.

>>5887563
read the fucking room faggot

>>5883179 (OP)

>>5892266
anyone got an archive link to the kavinsky nightcall version?

>>5892026
fuck off
I was talking to a girl who had this exact phenotype
goddammit I was watching gore because it was edgy, she was watching gore to get off
why did she had to be a lesbian?

Hmmm
I think I might pick up the guitar again. Been listening to a guy called Isto on youtube and he does a lot of covers of oldies. Grew up playing Fallout lol. I guess the idea is to learn how to sing and jam on a guitar so I can sing to my dog and myself. That's the only reason why I use youtube honestly, listening to songs.

>>5889534
Been there and still experience that. The sooner you realize it's not worth opening up you can continue marching on with your day.
>>5887434
Happy is a man who is content with what he has

Does anyone have the webm of some guy having his graduation photos taken while there's a couple kissing in the foreground

>>5884797
this is how a honeymoon phase and/or relapse feels like
top of the fucking universe but also mood swings which feel fun regardless of the rollercoaster because you know you dont have to be sober
until its not okay because nothing ever is and you are a complete failure who is completely alone in this world and not even these psychoactive substances can change that
>>5892026
makes me want to die of a painful liver failure cheers

>>5892422
24 as well and what the fuck this is the age where my failures really start to hurt

>>5883179 (OP)

>>5893583

>>5893586

>>5893587

>>5893589

>>5893590

>>5893593

>>5893596

>>5893597

>>5893601

>>5893602

>>5893603

>>5893605

>>5893608

>>5893610

>>5893612

>>5893613

>>5893615

>>5893617

>>5893617
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYCz06bS380

>>5890058
You fucking arsehole. You sent me down a rabit hole. I am The Maxx

>>5883179 (OP)
Used to be better I'm kinda confused and lost, a lot of substance abuse as of now and a relationship with a girl I really like but it just isn't meant to go anywhere. A lot of fucked up shit happening and trying to swim back up, dropped out of college and started working so I can have my own peace. I don't know what to do or think anymore, I can't open up to anyone because I'm too afraid of letting those people down so I keep bottling down my emotions and suppressing them with cigarettes alcohol and drugs, but once those wear off that's left of me is an empty shell of a man that once had ambitions and was headed in the right direction. Stopped working out my body looks like shit now I want to go back to the gym yet I can't force myself because it's gotten too boring, looking to get into martial arts again however the place I used to go to got closed and now all I'm left with are overpriced gyms filled with idiots. Sports season is over my club got absolutely obliterated in the basketball, felt like shit and it's all because of the political situation. Want to go to the stadium but it's not the same anymore a lot of people are boycotting the club so rarely anyone goes and the general atmosphere is shit. At least the trophy celebration was nice I enjoyed it quite a bit so there's that. I don't think I have any strength nor energy left in me so I came here to vent. I'll be glad if anyone reads this, so yeah life hasn't been so great lately but I keep pushing I feel like I have to because if I don't I'll be left with nothing, my self hatred is my only driving force and I don't know how much longer I can go like this. I never deserved this, yet here I am. I hope that you anons are having a great week tho.

>>5884797
Movie sauce?

>>5885596
Just dont be gay.

>>5884784

>>5884772
>oh nooo I sit on the computer and make thousands of dollars my life is le bad and I'm le misrable
what a fag

>>5884896
>>5889052
here you go

movie magnet too cuz why not
magnet:?xt=urn:btih:3cd0528c3eb1ed3876b01c9b583869e2ec0c6bc5&dn=Extension%20du%20domaine%20de%20la%20lutte%201999%20PAL%20DVDRip.mkv&tr=udp%3a%2f%2ftracker.opentrackr.org%3a1337%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2fopen.demonii.com%3a1337%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2fopen.stealth.si%3a80%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2ftracker.torrent.eu.org%3a451%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2ftracker-udp.gbitt.info%3a80%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2fexplodie.org%3a6969%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2ftracker.dump.cl%3a6969%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2ftracker.ccp.ovh%3a6969%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2ftracker.bittor.pw%3a1337%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2ftracker.0x7c0.com%3a6969%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2fretracker01-msk-virt.corbina.net%3a80%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2fopentracker.io%3a6969%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2fopen.free-tracker.ga%3a6969%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2fnew-line.net%3a6969%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2fleet-tracker.moe%3a1337%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2fexodus.desync.com%3a6969%2fannounce&tr=https%3a%2f%2ftracker.tamersunion.org%3a443%2fannounce&tr=http%3a%2f%2ftr.kxmp.cf%3a80%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2ftracker1.myporn.club%3a9337%2fannounce&tr=udp%3a%2f%2frun.publictracker.xyz%3a6969%2fannounce&tr=https%3a%2f%2ftracker.bt4g.com%3a443%2fannounce

>>5893599
I'm at this point, and I have this moment every time I shave. Professionally I'm right where I wanted to be. Socially, I'm where I should be. Romantically I'm a million miles away from where I want to be. I've had one serious relationship (granted, it was just after high school, so I have no idea how serious I can really say it was) and a few flings, but the person that I was when I had them feels like someone completely alien to me.
I want to be in a relationship again, but I have no idea where to start.
I miss not going to bed alone.

>>5893587
oh hey that's my oc
here's a marginally better version (I still suck at compression)

This isn't the /feels/ I remember. Less tranime, less incelposting, more indescribable melancholy

>>5883291
>my mom put 15 cats in my room

>>5887434
>he only thing that worry me is how long will I last.
Get a job. It sucks but in a good way. Or it's good but in a sucky way.

>>5883179 (OP)
20 and applying for a job I know I will be rejected for. Only applying because I wont live with myself not having gone for it.
The only career I ever wanted to do scuttled because of a medical thing that happened when I was 11.
Didn't have any relationship in HS but not resentful.
Was depressed/ suicidal but not anymore.
Fit but not overly athletic.
Cursed knowing I will never have the iq to be truly exceptional.
Destined to be an unremarkable lawyer at a mid level firm with a degree from an unremarkable university.
No friends, in a country on the other side of the planet from my family.
I will fight tooth and nail to not be a mediocrity like my old schoomates but maybe it's a lost cause.
I dont want money, I want people to be envious of me.

>>5892454
I was married to a cunt for 12 years and felt like this.Having kids turned that feeling around. She could hit me, hurt me, destroy me but none of that mattered because I had my kids. Then she took them and told everyone including the divorce judge that I was abusive. Now I rarely see my kids. It hurts so much.

>>5883179 (OP)
It's Men's Mental Health Month. For this month, I'm going to talk about how I really feel.
Every day is the same thing: I wake up, eat, get on my computer, waste time then sleep. I just browse through random things, I don't enjoy watching anything or playing any games anymore. I have no friends IRL. I work three days a week, so some income is nice, I get a bit of money to spend on whatever I want. Lately I have been giving it away more than I have been spending it on myself tho. Besides that, every day is rotting. I have barely any "hobbies" or interests, perhaps that's why I have no friends, I really am just boring and empty. Overall just lonely and depressed, same as a lot of people. But I am still grateful for the roof above my head and food on the table. I just want to have a girl fall in love with me. I live for this delusion that one day I will find a girl that relates to me and wants to be with me forever. Its really delusional and stupid but it keeps me going. If no such girl arrives like an angel to save me, I am okay with dying alone as well. Thanks for reading anons

Anons, how do you tell the difference between if someone wants to be with/around you vs. needs you? I've heard arguments both sides on people that value being needed by someone and those value being wanted by someone. I certainly would like to have someone want me - as being "needed" sounds very transactional - like you are simply the most convenient person to go to, so they do - but if someone better came along, would they still go to you?

>>5893781
for me the hard times have ended, and I enter the bitter sweet times

>>5895356
You can never know for sure, some people are willing to look you straight in the face and lie to you, or maybe I'm just beyond fucked up and don't trust people enough. I'm pretty sure some people are willing to make you feel needed just to get something out of you if it's genuin I guess that person is very likely to help you no matter what just to show the appropriation he/she feels for you.
The only people I know need me in my life are my parents and maybe my siblings although it's a huge maybe.

whatever happened to group suicides like they did on welcome to the NHK

>>5894645
thanks for making it

fucked up my crytpo trades again, down to 2.5k, should be at 60k this year by far if i stuck to the plan, wanna quit my job so hard cause my coworker is on crack (literally)

>>5892808
11/10 wife material

Here
have some feels ;_;

>>5893785
I wrote my uncle on facebook who faught in the Angola wars. This is what he said when I sent him the video:
"Haha. Not as dramatic as. I thought this was a clip from the Rhodesian military campaigns against Mugabe and. Sithole’s guerillas. But then I saw in the background is a flag of the democratic Republic of the Congo. So I’m not sure where this footage is from or who cut shows.. Namibia/ Southwest Africa went through something similar in the Capri strip, bordering on Angola to the north and Zimbabwe and Zambia to the east. Such scenes would have played themselves out in Cabinda province, Angola. That was slightly before my time although the older brothers of my classmates had been in the thick of things there. The black soldier in the footage is pretty typical. They were black mercenaries that joined whichever army paid the most. Inevitably that was the regular army as opposed to the bands of guerillas"

>>5883179 (OP)
Please just kill me, God

I feel nothing anymore. Maybe little blips of weak joy but then soon I'm just back into this melancholy/disassociated state. I feel myself getting sucked further into my brain until it feels like I'm trapped inside watching my body react by itself. I respond and talk but it feels fake like it's not really my mouth or my words coming out. It feels as if my body is melting and twisting and I'm barely able to even resemble human. I don't know if it ever gets better. I mean I have it all I got the wife the car a decent job I just don't feel anything or if I do then it's full blown spirals. I feel like my nightmares are getting more vivid my day dreaming worse and the rare panick attack seems to be increasing. I'm scared that I can never make progress and that I'm cursed with my families mental health.

Don't mind me just posting some stuff that gives me feels.

nvm we're at image limit lel

>>5896032
I've also been struggling with severe depersonalization. I'm not sure whats brought it on or why but its happening dozens of times a day where I have to grapple with becoming acutely aware of my existence. I'm not smart enough to figure this shit out. I hate it. Panic attacks are almost daily now too. I think I'm too broken to come back from this I'm stuck in a runaway chain reaction it seems.

>>5892422
>watched this at 15
>thats me
>watched this at 20
>thats me
>watched this at 25
>thats me
>watched this at 30
>thats me

>>5887971
stop drinking. im an alcoholic, im drunk right now. i have work in 5 hours. ill be drunk when i wake up for work. dont be like me

you matter, you're important. free yourself. i wish i could.

>>5893964
I think it's Season 2 of True Detective

>>5893787
This is so good, where can I find more?

>>5896016
>Why aren't you giving yourself to others?
Never got these kind of insults.

>>5896088
this scene always annoyed me
I know he's just shifting his sword so it's catching the light differently between shots, but it almost feels like they swapped swords between takes

cont. >>5897416

>>5883179 (OP)
I'll live another day. That's the sad part btw.

>>5884794
got this without gosling in the back?

>>5892422
Gap year is such a trap. If you don't have momentum rolling into college how fucked do you think you'll be after a whole year of downtime?

>>5895457
>>5894645
I love these

>>5892272
no

>>5893590
>>5893617
What's the movie?

>>5899691
on the count of three. its free on youtube

>>5894217
What about that sounds fulfilling?

>>5899783
what is "fulfilling", why should he or anyone have it?

>>5899788
ok why is he a fag? maybe he justifiably feels like shit for the reasons he stated

>>5899789
he's a fag because he lives an easy life and he complains about it while shouting and crying

>>5899792
Pleny of people are depressed with easy lives, and streaming seems pretty souless to me.
Are you a gen z that grew up wanting to be a youtuber instead of a fireman or astronaut?

>>5899797
>Pleny of people are depressed with easy lives,
and? he's still a faggot
>and streaming seems pretty souless to me.
oh no not earning money for sitting in front of a computer
>Are you a gen z that grew up wanting to be a youtuber instead of a fireman or astronaut?
I'm technically a zoomer but not of those

>>5899799
you're sitting in front of a computer right now and you're plenty fucken irate, I hope you're enjoying your free time this weekend :^)

>>5885359
Yeah it's cool you did all that but it's probably to do with your immune system.

>>5899800
cool "argument" and projection
and thank you I am enjoying my weekend, hope you do too
:^)

>>5897855
https://youtu.be/rptLcA0E4ps?si=zvve0ADhJEWdBU4L

>>5896016
Wonder why he turned out that way

>>5884539
It was all for Israel goym.

>>5894217
>le

You're a bigger faggot. Kill yourself.

I feel like I'm fighting for nothing,
I work out, I work hard, I try to socialize, I have hobbies that i more actively try to participate in, i try to save money. But it all feel meaningless.

I know all my efforts will make me stronger, but stronger for what? what do i endure this suffering for? Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

I only haven't offed myself because of my family(father and sister). I barely see them but i don't want to be selfish and harm them with my actions.

outside of that i have no reason to live. My goals, (having a wife that loves me and kids, while being able to provide a good living for them) seem both unreachable( just look at the state of women, of men, of society. Never mind I'm poor as fuck) and selfish to have as making more people to suffer in this fucked up world seems very cruel.

Just want to stop existing

i should be happy, but im not. since i was 5 and had conscious thoughts, ive been depressed. so painfully aware of my mortality, and the cruel, unfair, unjust, chaotic and cold world we live in. i can see the end of time, and the journey is not worth it. i tried to hang myself when i was 12, i put a belt around my neck, and tied the other end to a hook on the back of my bedroom door. i kicked the chair out. i was hanging for what felt like an eternity, but it was maybe 15 seconds, then the hook snapped and i fell on my ass. i had ligature marks around my neck for the next couple of days, no one asked about them. after that i didn't try again, i just felt numb, ive felt numb ever since. im 32 now, and i should be happy. a couple months ago, i was sat with my gf watching anime, a certain scene prompted us to talk about the future. she said something to me then which made me cry so hard "i hope you die first; so you don't have to die alone" it is the sweetest thing ive ever heard. but here i am at 1:42am, alone in my apartment, thinking about how sad she'd be if i killed myself. i think its time for me, i really dont want to be alive anymore...but i dont know how to say goodbye.

>>5883179 (OP)
>Be me, 42 years old
>Had chronic vagus nerve compression/damage for the last 12 years, doctors don't even think it's a real condition (despite various websites, including my government's medical website saying it is)
>Accidentally slept facing down in May, compressed nerve even more
>Blood pressure goes through the roof
>Medical hotline tells me to go to the emergency room
>Useless doctors can't figure out what's going on, turn me loose with blood pressure that's still sky high because "your vitals are all fine, it must be anxiety"
>Get sent to my GP, he prescribes beta blockers
>Can't sleep for two weeks straight because too much adrenaline, get admitted to the emergency room another 4 times during that period
>Useless doctors do exactly the same thing every time: say my vitals are fine and turn me loose with no change in condition
>Doctor finally relents and tells me to stop beta blockers cold turkey
>Stopping medication cold turkey causes rebound blood pressure which causes headaches, fatigue and even higher blood pressure
>13 days in and only marginally improving, can't exercise or exert myself at all, can't drink or smoke, can't even jerk off (you are here)
Fuck doctors. That is all.
>>5884539
>"My nightmares are awful, I can't sleep"
>Beaming from ear to ear while he says it
X to doubt

i don't mean to sound insensitive, but it brings me a slight amount of warmth that so many other anons are also on the edge and are feeling their absolute worst. love you all

>>5901314
ER doctors are useless brother. you need to see a neurologist. i'm dealing with severe, chronic health issues as well so i know your struggle. stay strong.

>>5894679
Abusive people use this logic as an excuse to hurt others needlessly

>>5892264
I've been here and I refuse to fully consider how many other men have also been here.

>>5901503
Thanks for the support, mate. The problem is that you need a GP referral here to get to a neurologist. And my GP won't give me one because "it's just anxiety, you need to relax".
Australia's medical system is worse than a joke, it's designed to kill you.

>>5901103
im right there with you desu. I think the only answer is to keep trying things. I'm going to move somewhere new. Maybe try that. Become a revolutionary. There are things on the horizon, hold on. Keep holding on. Exert your influence. Get creative bro. I don't want to blow up my strategy, but if you're smart stalk bookstores. Fuck what society expects of you. Stalk bookstores and shamelessly hit on the chicks there.

life is real, life earnest, and the grave is not the goal. dust thou arte, to dust returnest, was not spoken of the soul.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPoJYC4ueLA

Your brothers are in this with you.

>>5901473
i agree. i don't come here for solutions, its just nice to not feel so alone all the time. get it off my chest and share the burden with my fellow anons. love you too bro

>>5895325
>I just want to have a girl fall in love with me. I live for this delusion that one day I will find a girl that relates to me and wants to be with me forever. Its really delusional and stupid but it keeps me going. If no such girl arrives like an angel to save me, I am okay with dying alone as well. Thanks for reading anons
I still have the same delusion at my core, even now at 38, without even a job or any real prospects. Not even specifically a girl, just anyone to save me, to become a friend, a brother, someone worth living this life for.
I don't really have a point in saying this, there is probably no real point for either of us to say anything, but just for you to know you're not alone with these thoughts and feelings.

>>5892454
Song is "there is light in us" by Mathbonus for anyone that's wondering

>>5901836
Go private for the initial consultation. It might cost you a couple hundred to get started, but a lot of the private consultants will do gov work as well. A lot of the time they'll be happy to put you onto their NHS list (assuming you live in the UK) after getting an initial consult privately. Granted, the waitlist for NHS follow ups will generally still be pretty long, but it could be better than nothing.

>>5902749
ignore the NHS part, I'm retarded

>>5902211
>Not even specifically a girl, just anyone to save me, to become a friend, a brother, someone worth living this life for.
I'm just some anon scrolling by, but I want you to know that this perspective isn't healthy imo. If the will to live this life doesn't come from within you, you will merely put a lot of baggage at the feet of the people you'll come to realize that this tends to drive others away.

i don't think there's anything i could ever have done or anything i can do now to make my life any better than it is right now and it's still not enough. i hate this and i'm not ok. i'm tired of this hurt. i don't think im a good fit for this world

I don't have my head at the right place these last few months. I hate being in this situation. Just got diagnosed with C-PTSD, I didn't even knew this was a thing. Refused meds, refused medical care. Came back home and told my wife, she said it was apparent that I had something, maybe depression or dysthymia, I don't want to be that guy. I was always suicidal, ever since I was a kid I can't explain, suicide was always there, always as a way out. It's the little things, I can still feel the smell of the rope and the weight of it around my neck and collarbones. I guess everything started after I was raped at around 5, I ran and told mom about it, but she didn't believed me. Is there a way to die but not to break the heart of the ones around you? Do you think once you die they realize how bad you were?

Bros I've been lurking this board for a long time but this is my first post. My dad got thrown in jail today for an unpaid speeding ticket from 2003... In the next state over, no less. It's a no-bail/bond situation because he needs to wait until Monday when he can be extradited one county over so he can finally pay the bond and deal with this.

This really worries me because it being Friday means he has no chance of getting out until Monday at the earliest.

The salt in the wound is the fact that my dad is a 65 year old retiree who NEVER runs afoul of the law. I'm worried for his health because he drinks and smokes every day. I'm afraid he's going to be in withdrawal in there and be absolutely miserable and possibly in danger of having seizures. I can't believe they're doing this to a law abiding man like him over a 22 year old traffic ticket. What the fuck kind of world is this. I hope he's okay.

Webm unrel

>>5904835
I had C-PTSD, specifically I had DID. I didn't even realize I had it most of my life, in hindsight it's obvious. I only became suicidal once I fixed myself and accepted what has happened to me. Sometimes a part of me still gets triggered like watching certain movies I will cover only my right eye and that helps, I associate my right eye with the part of me that couldn't deal with the trauma. There are also many situations where one eye cries while the other doesn't. Don't know if this is common. I'm probably an odd case even for DID, don't know much about it, don't even know if being fixed from it is common, I just sort of fixed myself. I used to be schizoid before fixing myself and I miss not having to deal with feelings of loneliness.

>>5901314
try dry fasting
I say it will give you a 15% of fixing your problem and 80% of improving your condition.

dryfastingclub or snake juice guy online.
(no eating OR drinking for 5 days, after that 12 hours only drinking water before you start eating only bland food SLOWLY. Introduce fat food after 3rd day)

>>5883520
Man this song almost got me teary eyed for this reason alone. You won't find this type of song or woman expressing it in such a way anymore. It's like looking at the ruins of a civilization. I hate what we have to live through now.

>>5905083
That's fucked up, bro. Good to have you here, dont ever forget that

I'm tired and feel like a fuckup. Moved away from my home to the midwest for work a few years. My dad's still lives on the east coast and is in his 80's. He neglected his health for a long time. He was very paranoid about doctors and wouldn't do shit unless it's absolutely necessary/last possible chance. His kidneys, eyes and hips are now fucked and after a recent fall and rehab stint he's been kinda demented. I'm back home trying to unravel all this shit and figure out a plan.

I don't want to move home and be his caretaker. It feels selfish but I'm 30. I want to live my life. But with my mom and brother dead it's either that or a nursing home.

And now my sister thinks I have a drinking problem and need to see a therapist and won't fucking shut up about it. Like I get it, I probably have PTSD, but please stop lecturing me. My aunt is bitching at me to not put him in a home but she's got her 3 sons in their 40s supporting her. It's just me down here, what the fuck do you want from me?

Thank you for reading my trauma dump. I hope the best for all of you.

>>5883200
How are you doing now?

>>5901314
sounds bad man. I am cheering for you.

ALEX PATPO FATTORINO DELIVEROO PISTOIA

>>5889844
Just find a niche and coast it out my dude. It has ups and downs but life is all there is, then it's an eternity of nothing so just make the best of it. You'll have all the time in the universe to be dead, don't rush into it.

>>5896751
She's not even talking to (presumably) him. She's performing for an imaginary audience in her head. She's acting out what she sees in her show, for her own dopamine hit. Meanwhile, some soul on the other end of that was likely gradually destroyed, bit by bit... day by day, everyday, for years.

>>5889844
you sound tough
you overcame a lot
would be a shame to end it all

>>5885359
>taking walks
>only fresh foods
these 2 changed my life completely
growing stuff in the garden sounds based im jealous

bump

>>5883813
damn that's crazy

>>5901836
You're in Australia:
Try to get a private neurologist in a 3rd Wold country, i.e. Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, Philipins. Their doctors are excelent and you might have a fun "vacation", too. You might even find agencies, which specialise in medical-tourism

>>5883251
landlubbers will never get it

>>5909259
this

>>5890742
sauce

did we hit the file limit?

I have come to realize that the most important thing in a person life is peace. The very, very rare moment that one can slow down and take a break disregarding everything, the moment that one is not bothered and doesn't have to worry about a single thing, a health problem, money, a domestic problem, a family problem, about work, or even the cruelty of the word and uncertainty of the future, that moment is the best thing a person can experience.

Many things that we cling in life are not an end on themselves, I used to want a partner and kids, because I wanted support and I thought it would save me from suffering, money and status are means to acquire things, pleasure the fulfilling of biologic impulses and also a distraction, I wonder if at the end, all of us are not just seeking peace in one way or another.