>>40730896
I prayed for a roof over my head and disability.
I have suffered for almost 5 years barely surviving and constantly mooching from people and I still haven't gotten a penny.
I often have to choose between soap and trashbags and have currently spent the past 2 weeks without toilet paper with my last bit of cheap bodywash soap being the only thing I have left to clean anything.
I have odd skin blemishes appearing all over my body because I can't clean my clothes often enough as well. I also developed pilonidal disease in my early 20s and have had two failed surgeries trying to correct it so I'm always in pain and leaking either blood or puss. I am weak from fighting infections all the time and have recently developed a crippling abdomen pain that no test has deciphered. It comes and goes at random on different days and doctors have nothing to go on.
Ontop of all this my father is dying of cancer and spends most of his time sleeping or aloof from drugs so my only support has pretty much stopped. Even right now I am posting from a public wi-fi because my internet has been shut off since he's so out of it he can't pay the only thing I ask for.
I cannot take this slow painful rot anymore. When winter comes this year, I am wondering into the woods and going to sleep.
If God is real he absolutely hates me. It hurts a lot because I spent way too much of my time defending him. As I deteriorate I am beginning to believe God hates life itself. What kind of being would make a world where even an innocent rabbit is violently mauled to death by predators? Let alone children burning in munitions runs.
It's sick. Nothing I have experienced in this life is compatible with an All-Loving God.
But who am I to complain?
If he's that hateful and malicious then I should be begging for mercy but I've been beaten into indifference. I just don't care anymore. The only hope I have left is that death truly ends this suffering forever.
