for context, my dad has been paralyzed from the neck down for almost 12 years now. for the first few years of that, he was in and out of facilities and after a while, he got his own house and moved back in with us. he seemed to do better for a bit, but it all just stopped.
he began smoking again, (prior to which he had sworn off in the name of his health), didn't bother going outside or even trying to learn to walk again, and hasnt made any efforts towards his health either.
I know its most likely due to his mental state, and I cant fault him for that, but my entire family has been trying for years to help him. we've had interventions more times than I can count at this point, we've spent our money to get him the equipment he wanted in order for him to hopefully move more, my mom has been working late shifts ever since he got hurt in order to provide for all of us, and I'm afraid that's starting to take a toll on her health too.
I don't want to assume anything, but he's just been so selfish. it feels selfish. he doesn't care about himself, and he doesn't care about us, either. not in the sense of just his health, but our personal relationships. if we have to do something or go out in a group, he refuses to schedule an aide ahead of time, causing one of us or all of us to stay behind, he stays up late in the night refusing to eat then screams at us to feed him at 1-3am in the morning when he knows we have school/work the next day, and it just feels he doesn't even care about the smallest things to make us happy. I fed him tonight, and he was watching a unnerving movie the entire time. when I asked him to switch to something else until I could leave, he complained that it wasn't even that scary and that I'm overreacting. I've told him multiple times that I get bad night terrors and he just..doesn't seem to care. I've tried to talk to him about his hobbies or mine and he doesn't seem to care. I don't know what to do. I don't want to resent him, but I'm starting to.

+ word limit, just a few more things

he is very inconsiderate to me in particular, since I'm technically the most "helpful" one. there was a period of time where every morning around 6am, without fail, he'd call me relentlessly to come give him his medicine, and not only that, but I would have to stay In his cold ass room until 10:30 when his aide arrived. and most of the time, I'd be doing most of the shit anyway since he refuses to communicate with any of them.
his smoking has caused other health problems too, the most serious one being him having to get half of his lung taken out. which, as you can guess, has seriously impacted his ability to breathe and speak.
its gotten so bad to the point that he can barely take his medicine or eat normally without choking and that's a huge stresser too. it feels like he's killing himself and I cant do anything but watch since he refuses to acknowledge it.
I've voiced my complaints to my mom, she told me to keep these thoughts to myself but its hard not to dwell on it. especially when I'm mad at him. I don't like being mad at him, but to some extent, I feel like I'm being too lenient. I hate feeling this way, but sometimes I think it would have been easier for me if he just died when he got hurt. does it ever get better? should I just try to understand him more?

Well
You wouldnt understand him unless you went through such a thing
To lose your freedom, your control, its like losing your whole life
The man has nothing left but this behavior
Its all the control he has left in the world

That doesnt mean hes doing the right thing, he's not

But he is suffering too
Probably wishes he was dead
I still do sometimes

>>33276717 (OP)
I won't read obvious remedy is obvious threads, posted by people seemingly who don't know what the front door is for.

>>33276840
I'm barely 18, I can't just leave my house, if that's what you're saying. and I still love him, I'm not jumping at the chance to abandon my own dad.

>>33276717 (OP)
>I don't want to resent him, but I'm starting to.
>>33276759
>it feels like he's killing himself and I cant do anything but watch since he refuses to acknowledge it.
>>33276759
>I've voiced my complaints to my mom, she told me to keep these thoughts to myself but its hard not to dwell on it. especially when I'm mad at him. I don't like being mad at him, but to some extent, I feel like I'm being too lenient. I hate feeling this way, but sometimes I think it would have been easier for me if he just died when he got hurt.
sounds like no one in your family is really helping, lol
not their fault

listen OP, you need to either confront your dad about the fact that he's killing himself, and try to get him to change, or you need to accept that he isn't your responsibility & stop helping, focus on other things
you shouldn't be in this position, and you need to make a decision now one way or the other.
do you think you would regret confronting him or resigning yourself from it more?

this sort of codependent shit comes at the cost of you developing yourself, your career, a social circle, a place in the world.
becoming your smoker dad's lapdog and feeling exhausted all the time does neither of you any favors, and this isn't sustainable.

from what you've said about your dad, i'm guessing he's beyond saving
it sounds like he doesn't give a fuck about anything anymore
but maybe he could start giving a fuck again if you reach out & confront him
hard to say

i'm sure he's been through alot with the lung being removed & everything, but there's no excuse for what he's doing, may as well just kill himself and get it over with at this rate