I'm still in love with my ex who cheated on me seven years ago. We were together for ten years, married but no kids. I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to hate her or to forget about her. I liked being with her, even if she is one of the worst examples of a human being that I have ever met. She was a liar, a coward, and a traitor, and I still want to be with her, only I know that what I really want is for her to be with someone who she can love the way she was supposed to love me. I'm almost ashamed to admit it because it makes me sound like a cuck, but it's the truth. I really do want what is best for her, but I want someone that loves me back. Even if she came back and wanted to start over, I would turn her away because I know that she can never love me, and that what we had was a one-time thing. I've had a few relationships since then, and they don't seem to work out. This year, I've decided I'm going to find someone. I really am, and I'm going to be open again, but I don't know if this is the right move. I'm afraid, but at the same time, I want to feel like I love someone again, and maybe experience what it's like for that person to love me back. In al these years, that hasn't happened. Nobody has shown me any affection that wasn't reliant on me being something they were after. Am I overthinking it? I don't want to end up in the same space again. I just want someone that loves me for me. I'm 34, and going back to school to pursue a second degree. I'm fit, not hideous, and I'm pretty smart, or so the Army says (142GT score for those of you who know). I know I can do this, but do I really have a chance? Or should I look somewhere outside of school?

>>33287888 (OP)
>Am I overthinking it?
The answer to that question is ALWAYS yes.

>>33287993
You're probably right about that. I really need to just do it. I'm not really afraid of being alone. I've been alone basically my whole life, even when I was married. I just was too depressed to know that it wasn't normal.

>>33287888 (OP)
Kill her

>>33289577
I couldn't do that. I don't want her to die before her time. Like I said, I still love her on some fucked up level, so I really do want what's best for her, and not what she actually deserves for being the shitty person she is. I just want someone that loves me the way I deserve. Someone that doesn't make me earn every bit of affection. Someone that I don't have to ask to be nice to me, and someone that actually wants to be intimate with me because she likes me, and not because she's training me like a dog. I'm getting older, and I just want to be in love with someone that's actually in love with me.

hang in there bud it doesn't get better

>>33291749
I mean, it's gotten much better since when I found out. I'm hopeful but scared.

That was a long shpiel man. What do you want advice on? "Should I do something better for myself, in this case, moving on from a cheating hoe?" Yes. It's not that complicated. You won't stop caring for her when you THINK about it, so just stop dwelling in the past. Fuck her. Do YOU deserve someone who will treat you that way? No. Is finding someone else gonna fix that? No.

But also, shut up about "finding someone" like that's even a goal you can set. I know you're trying to write this all out for sympathy, wow, what a big heart you have :(, but you're also writing it like finding another hoe is going to fix this past hangup. Like another woman is your goal. Like doing that isn't going to set you up for the exact same trauma to occur. Shut the fuck up.

If you are going to make a social goal, find a worthwhile "target" first. Meet someone YOU believe is worthwhile and then see where you can take things. If it happens it happens, but fuck off with this pity "am I ready" narcissist shit. No one here can tell you that. You choose when that is, and that's when you inevitably find another goal you internalize as worth the risk. And when you meet a woman giving you the option to pursue. YOU have almost nothing to do with it, when it happens, and certainly not everything to do with it. It's a matter of time and place, and you'll never be here of you're still there.

Get over yourself. No woman will complete your life. Do what you can to improve today, and expect nothing. That's my advice to you.

>>33291912
No, you're right, and honestly, what I wrote in OP is kind of a lie anyway. I just went full schizo and looked at my old phones to see our text messages, especially when we started fighting, and honestly, most of it is my fault. I'm just too egotistical to figure it out. I've talked to myself in the mirror for the last two hours, and the only thing I figured out is that I really hated myself back then. Thanks for pointing out that I'm just constructing a narrative to protect myself and feel sympathy. That's something I need to work on. I also made a deal with myself. I don't need a woman. What I need are the things that keep me from having a high opinion of myself. I have three years to achieve those things. That's the goal. Again, this was an exercise of me being crazy again. You know what the most fucked up part is? I wrote her a fucking letter I have no plans of sending out. It's seven double-sided pages all handwritten. I'm seriously mentally ill, anon. That's not normal, and I've gotten worse since back then. I've got a lot of work to do on myself that I simply haven't done.