I want to stop feeling bitter
My life as it stands has never been better. I went from a stressful hellhole of a job to an extremely easy one. I'm on medication now, and my once unstable mind is now balanced and manageable. But I'm bitter. All I can think about is how my life could've been better if my childhood wasn't so fucked.
Firstly, I'm a faggot, and it disgusts me. I'm not even the type who likes femboys or something, just full blown hairy fucking men. It's extremely emasculating. I also rationally think gay sex is disgusting but I can't get rid of my attraction to men. I believe if my father had been more present in my life, and I wasn't given unlimited, unfiltered internet access, I wouldn't be like this. Along with unlimited game time, exposing me to hypermasculine characters confusing my mind seeking a male role model.
Secondly, my parents practically abandoned me, breaking the cars I bought and leaving me to walk hours to get to work every day, or to get food. I couldn't go to college because of it. I couldn't do anything but work and go home. It was soul-aching, I had unbearable chest pain every night because of it. This left me in a spiral that lasted more than a year, the worst moments of my life.
Even though things are okay now, this bitterness hasn't gone away. In some ways, it's even increased. It was easier when I had given up on life, because it didn't matter. But now, now that I'm really trying to fulfill my aspirations, it's much harder to ignore. All I can think about is what life would be like now, if I still had the cars I bought, if I went to college earlier, if I didn't spend the past few years barely making enough to pay rent. How do I stop this? How do I let go of this burden? I know dwelling on things I can't change is unhealthy, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Firstly, I'm a faggot, and it disgusts me. I'm not even the type who likes femboys or something, just full blown hairy fucking men. It's extremely emasculating. I also rationally think gay sex is disgusting but I can't get rid of my attraction to men. I believe if my father had been more present in my life, and I wasn't given unlimited, unfiltered internet access, I wouldn't be like this. Along with unlimited game time, exposing me to hypermasculine characters confusing my mind seeking a male role model.
Secondly, my parents practically abandoned me, breaking the cars I bought and leaving me to walk hours to get to work every day, or to get food. I couldn't go to college because of it. I couldn't do anything but work and go home. It was soul-aching, I had unbearable chest pain every night because of it. This left me in a spiral that lasted more than a year, the worst moments of my life.
Even though things are okay now, this bitterness hasn't gone away. In some ways, it's even increased. It was easier when I had given up on life, because it didn't matter. But now, now that I'm really trying to fulfill my aspirations, it's much harder to ignore. All I can think about is what life would be like now, if I still had the cars I bought, if I went to college earlier, if I didn't spend the past few years barely making enough to pay rent. How do I stop this? How do I let go of this burden? I know dwelling on things I can't change is unhealthy, but I can't stop thinking about it.
