Can the married amongst you provide some honest but positive insight into marriage?

I'm 26 and was raised by parents who did their absolute best despite bad circumstances, but there's no doubt their marriage is bad and it affects my outlook on life. I love them, and I have a desire to be a husband, but I have zero desire to start a family. I never really 'got' that feeling of being a big happy family that a lot of my friends mention.

And so when I read or talk to anybody about marriage, I'm really affected by the apparent negativity of it all. My brother got married recently and even though him and his wife a great, they've made a few snide remarks about how "marriage is just arguing about everything." Then there's all the talk about sex drying up which is not a joke to me.

Is this all just coming from a vocal minority of people who suck at marriage? What is like, truly? I'm Orthodox Christian since birth, so I'd be taking the traditional route, supposedely.

>>33327428 (OP)
Bump.

Not orthodox but christian here.
Getting to share a house with another person is never easy: I still remember bickering with my siblings when we lived together. But since we started living in different house we get along better.
My wife is kinda dominant in stuff like filling the place with mirrors and masks: I hate both but her love is stronger than my hate so I give it a pass and stopped caring.
Sex was good until her biological clock started ticking. For some reason that I don't understand, I was scared of getting her pregnant. Maybe I loved my free time so much while being childless.
We have a kid now and we love him but we have less time for ourselves and sex is not something we're constantly thinking about lime before.
I know people who also has kids yet never married. You cannot tell by looking.

I believe marriage is a meme, something from ancient times where slavery and humn sacrifices were common. It's main usefulness is the legal aspect and the parties. I don't recommend it and I have stopped asking people "Hey, when are you two lovebirds getting married?".
I also have a couple of friends who are in their late thirties who despite being pretty and nice they don't have boyfriends since the pandemic and have dedicated their lives to either travel or adopt as many aninals as possible. I now, slowly, have started to understand that living alone is something that shouldn't be considered as negative. If something happens to my marriage, I have zero fear of being alone again.
https://existentialcomics.com/comic/33

>>33327567
So overall, despite doing it and doing "properly" you don't recommend it? Seems grim, anon. Does the thought of losing your wife scare you? Is she your best friend and all that?

Bump?

>>33327600
>Does the thought of losing your wife scare you?
I certainly don't want her hurt, but I see her as my kid's mother over her being my wife.
>Is she your best friend and all that?
She was my best friend. Recently I gave up on her rationality. I know I should accept her and love her instead of trying to understand her, but even her friends and her own parents have my own complaints. Staying together is the best for the kid. She's still fun at the movies.

I am late 20s with a kid. My wife and I have been married for 3 years but we've been together for much longer.
I'm indifferent towards being married and I love my wife. She felt as though it was important to get married so we got married. For me, I was going to be with her in whatever form that was. Marriage is just a convenient thing that allows you to have rights to each other's crap and make decisions on the other person's behalf in dire situations. We have less sex now than we did before but I attribute it more to the kid and not to marriage. Also we aren't high libido. I'd say we have sex on average 1-4 times a week. It kinda depends on what's going on. I would say we don't "argue about everything". That's just retarded. Why get married to someone like that? That's the type of shit you're supposed to do early in a relationship and figure out middle grounds. If you can't figure out satisfactory middle grounds then you aren't with the right person.

>>33327567
Sounds like your marriage sucks. Sorry you married the wrong person

>>33327428 (OP)
Very few people are good at marriage, and you have to wonder why you're getting married in the first place. That being said, my parents had a solid decade where they hated each other, but if you saw them today, they're the happiest couple. Marriage is work and has to be worked on for its own sake. It's very hard to make that commitment that early on in life, where most people make it. Don't worry about it, and realize that the main thing lacking in a lot of marriages is honesty and communication. You have to be honest with your spouse and with yourself about what's troubling you and you have to take care of it within the marriage. You don't ask your friends, parents, or siblings, because those groups might tell you to throw it all away because of their own projection of pride onto you. Communicate often, and see what's missing. Just remember, if you're not strengthening your relationship, you're letting it wither on the vine.

>>33330466
Interesting how different your account is from the previous anon, thanks for sharing.

Did you know you wanted a kid early-on? Was this one of those things you guys agreed on? How'd you meet your wife?

Bless you two.

>>33330764
We are very much the exception as we met in high school and stayed together through college and are still together. This was not without growing pains. We broke up briefly in college. But this was ultimately beneficial as we could address what wasn't working and eventually started on the path to better communication and understanding. I was busy with my engineering studies while she was doing a major that was less intensive and wanted more of my attention which I just couldn't give her at the time. I always knew I wanted kids. This was something we always agreed on and was something we spoke about early while still in school. The conversations about specifics became more serious after we finished school and became established in our careers.
I don't know how to find women Anon. I lucked into mine. I think I know how to keep them though. At least I can talk about how I kept mine while keeping my own happiness. The road has been paved with honesty and vulnerability and discomfort. I wish you luck in your search.

>>33331494
> we are the exception
> I lucked into my woman
Happy for you anon, although I seem to meet more and more people who say it just all felt like luck. All my ongoing social meetings are 99.99% atheists and it's hard to really get to know somebody at my church's youth group since it's such a huge group. Thanks though, best of luck to both of you.

>>33327428 (OP)
Yes. Being married has made life better. You hold yourself more accountable for the decisions you make. Thus, you make better decisions, or suffer dutifully. In either case, you become stronger.

I've been married for 15 years, but met my wife after I turned 27. We have 3 kids.
>>33327428 (OP)
>"marriage is just arguing about everything."
They chose poorly.
Marriage is a partnership, and you get out of it what you expected from it, or settled for in exchange for what little you get back from it.
>Then there's all the talk about sex drying up which is not a joke to me.
That happens when there are other unresolved issues that got converted into resentment. The most poisonous thing that can enter into a relationship is resentment of any kind.
>Is this all just coming from a vocal minority of people who suck at marriage?
It doesn't sound like you have the best frame of reference for what a supportive and consistent relationship is actually like. My parents set a good example for me and my 3 siblings. They got married young and are still together today, just like their parents were. For multiple reasons half of my siblings made poor choices in their spouses and had their marriages fall apart.

Find someone who values, supports, and encourages you to be a better person. And who is stable and capable of having meaningful discussions with you about what you both want in the present and in the future in regards to your relationship.

Marriage takes mutual effort in order to stay healthy, worthwhile, and rewarding.

37 and my wife is a year younger, been married for 5 years and together for 15. We took a long time to get married because neither of us were sure we wanted to get married or have kids, we did live together for many years before deciding to get married. Once we were about 30 we both decided we did want kids, so we decided to also get married. So far, it's been great. I love being a dad, and feel more emotionally linked to my wife than I did when we were living together but not yet married. We have ups and downs and have gotten pretty good at helping each other work through them. It's something that requires constant effort and attention, like tending a garden. The reward of having someone who loves you (as much as love is possible) is very much worth the effort. If we had not decided to have kids and buy a house together, I probably would have been fine not making it legally binding. Childless marriages seem sad and pointless to me. If you do have kids you will have less time for couple stuff like you did when you were younger that's natural. Just make sure both of you feel like your needs are being met. You'll probably have less sex as you get older with or without kids. Personally I can say frequency is lower but the sex we do have is better than any time in our relationship, aside from when I was trying to get her pregnant. It may be a meme but sex for the purpose of procreation is absolutely top tier

>>33334625
How did you make sure your needs are met when you first had kids? Did you have to concede that your needs won’t be met fully until they grew up?

Glad the sex is still good, those stories about sexless marriages scare me. Hope you two keep going strong, anon

I met my wife when I was 16, she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Anything negative I have to say about our relationship is really just me pointing out my flaws and how they effected our marriage. Everything was fine until I fucked it up. Trust is important, I couldn't trust her with some of my deeper trauma, and be honest, so I tried to hide them and cover them up, they manifested in some ugly ways, and I fucked it up. My advice, always be honest. Even if you think it makes you the bad guy, or is abrasive, gross etc. "Hey I wish you touched my dick more" maybe it's crass, find a better way to say it, but be honest.

>>33337361
> Everything was fine until I fucked up
Can't tell if this is hinting to divorce or just a rough patch. Can I ask what exactly went wrong, anon?

Married here.
I also don't care about marriage in and of itself as a thing, but I want some kids, boys and girls, and I also don't want the kids to grow in incomplete families. The complete family for me means: Man and woman as parents, grandparents who are closeby and willing to do their part. Unfortunately not many families nowadays are complete.
I also know myself as being adventurous and full of life. Me getting married assures both myself and my wife subconsciously that I won't leave after every minor inconvenience. I see marriage as exactly what it is, a vow to each other, nothing more, nothing less. That's what a marriage is, a vow that the partners make to each others that they won't leave "until death does them apart", and this type of closeness can only really be achieved between a man and a woman. I'm a traveler through life by nature, I couldn't care less about the house and car and objects and shit. If I were to get divorced, I'd give it all to her and the kid and I'll be back at square one, meaning with just the clothes on me if that. The only things I truly own are what I owned the moment I was born. So for me, a woman's worth to be wife is her capacity and willingness to carry my children, I've always thought that way. If a woman did not have the bare minimum willingness to have children with me, I wouldn't even consider her existence. No judging, just not wife material.
There is no possible way for me to ever be friends to a woman, or "get along" or any of that, for me men and women are different halves to a whole whose purpose is to bring forth children and raise them well. Doesn't mean men and women's only purpose in existence is to have children, but men and women's purpose when they get married, like a side quest so to speak, is to make and raise children. You don't have to "take" the side quest if you won't want.

>>33337361
>I couldn't trust her with some of my deeper trauma
Dude you met when you were 16 , what deeper trauma, you were like in highschool

>>33338433
I respect the clarity of thought but that sounds pretty bleak; do you even like your wife?

>>33338440
>Children don't have trauma
Moron

>>33327428 (OP)
You should thoroughly research the topic "attachment theory". It explains the common dysfunction seen in so many adult relationships. If you are not securely attached yourself, then you are playing with dynamite. The good news is that anyone can learn to be more securely attached, but for many, not without much painful work.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WKof0naxYLM

>>33327428 (OP)
There are just a tiny number of women with OnlyFans.
Of them only a tiny number make any actual money.
But all people talk about online is how women are all on OF making a fortune.
Happy marriages are literally everywhere, by far the most common.
They’re just too busy being happy to shout in the internet all day

>>33327428 (OP)
I have been married over 30 years.
We have more than 4 children, most of whom are adults and some of whom are also happily married.
Marriage is great. But marriage can't be perfect because it has people in it.
Siblings fight, coworkers argue, roommates fught, and so do married couples.
Just like all the rest of those scenarios it is how you deal with it and get over it that matters.
>My newleywed brother
The first few years of marriage are a big adjustment, yes, just like moving out of the house. There is a lot of growth needed, but healthy people move on quickly.
Let me give you my "general advice" on marriage
One
>No one can read minds. You have no idea what your spouse is thinking or feeling unless you ask. They have no idea what you are thinking and feeling unless you tell them
Two
>You can only change you. If you want things to get better, work on yourself and the issue, your spouse will follow
Three
>"Love" is an act of the will where you want what is best for your spouse, it isn't a tingly feeling. Keep working on actual love.
Four
>happiness is never a goal. Happiness is the side effect of real love (see above) and a life well lived.
Five
>The goal of parenting is to raise healthy, strong, ADULTS to create their own lives. the goal of parents os for the kids to move out and have their own lives. Marriage is forever. Love your kids, educate them, but never, ever forget your spouse will be there long after the kids are gone from your house and have their own families so focus on the spouse more.
Six
>Show love to your spouse how they need to experience it, not how you do. Give what they need, not what you need.
Seven
>Communicate clearly, honestly, and whenever possible before you are upset. if you are upset communicate while calm. You want more sex? Say so, don't simmer and be resentful. You think her friend is a bitch? Explain why and how without rancor toward her. And so on.
Good luck