cant figure out meditation and controlling my mind
>always been fascinated about suffering in life, reading endless counts of different life experiences, reading about pre-civilization and post-civilization and biology
>fascinated how some with nothing are happy and some with everything are sad
>confused how ive lived a relatively easy life yet still have negative thoughts of fear and certain situations im not at all prepared for
>reckon that the reason why we have fear in the first place all falls under the broader umbrella of our fear of death
>for example the reason why we fear judgement of others, no matter how benign, is because not being accepted to the tribe meant certain death back in pre-civilization
>so instead of trying to compartmentalize that specific fear and truly internalize the finality of death and to be okay with that prospect should mean I have gotten rid of all my other fears by proxy
>but getting rid of my fear of death and continuing to live a life with an apathetic foundation would make me no different than a criminal who abides by his vices, or a nihilist who considers taking their own life
>so living with values is paramount
>but wouldn't having values mean still having attachment to this world?
>so what's worth being attached to?
>what values will I die for?
>and why is it the negative opinions of others still get to me, despite consciously knowing their impudence is of a barking dog?
>and how much of the comfort I'm afforded in this life is enabling me to think like this? will I truly abide to this mode of thinking if I were to live a precarious life?
>figure I need to try and control my mind
>try meditation to assuage my negative feelings
>focusing on my breathing
>negative thoughts still in the background, even if I try detaching from it
>still feel symptoms like a headache or a heart full of malice; a dull feeling in my chest
So what exactly are my next steps? I want to talk more about the ego and anti-natalism but I'm already struggling as is maintain brevity in this one post.
>fascinated how some with nothing are happy and some with everything are sad
>confused how ive lived a relatively easy life yet still have negative thoughts of fear and certain situations im not at all prepared for
>reckon that the reason why we have fear in the first place all falls under the broader umbrella of our fear of death
>for example the reason why we fear judgement of others, no matter how benign, is because not being accepted to the tribe meant certain death back in pre-civilization
>so instead of trying to compartmentalize that specific fear and truly internalize the finality of death and to be okay with that prospect should mean I have gotten rid of all my other fears by proxy
>but getting rid of my fear of death and continuing to live a life with an apathetic foundation would make me no different than a criminal who abides by his vices, or a nihilist who considers taking their own life
>so living with values is paramount
>but wouldn't having values mean still having attachment to this world?
>so what's worth being attached to?
>what values will I die for?
>and why is it the negative opinions of others still get to me, despite consciously knowing their impudence is of a barking dog?
>and how much of the comfort I'm afforded in this life is enabling me to think like this? will I truly abide to this mode of thinking if I were to live a precarious life?
>figure I need to try and control my mind
>try meditation to assuage my negative feelings
>focusing on my breathing
>negative thoughts still in the background, even if I try detaching from it
>still feel symptoms like a headache or a heart full of malice; a dull feeling in my chest
So what exactly are my next steps? I want to talk more about the ego and anti-natalism but I'm already struggling as is maintain brevity in this one post.
