>be my mom
>signs her son up for ballet classes at 4 bc she thinks motherhood is build-a-bear workshop, and wants him to be a candy-ass
>is surprised when he hates it and wants to play outside instead
>brings 8yo son to LGBTQ event to watch inappropriate drag performances, overt displays of sexuality, etc
>grandmother has a stroke when he is 8 and luckily survives after much intervention. Mom makes kid’s entire childhood about sick grandparents, for the next 20 years, until the day they both pass away. (No shit, retard!! Old people have health issues!)
>mom drugs up son with adderall, vyvanse, concerta, Ritalin, every stimulant under the sun, doesn’t give a shit that it makes him not eat, has negative effects on his psyche, etc.
>is a horrible cook. At 9yo I used to let whole dinner plates rot and mold in my room because they were that unappetizing. Her food was so bad, it made sleep for dinner sound good
>acts like a cunt to me at literally every turn, yells and starts fights over small things, like because of the added stress of a doctor’s appointment that day. Bullies son and yells at him because she’s big and mean, and he depends on her for transportation, housing and survival
>Doesnt bring her own kid to the dentist until he’s 13 and starts asking “hey retard, why the hell have you never taken me to the dentist?”
>Dentist recommends braces, says son needs them bad, mom doesn’t oblige because she would prefer to pay for dumb shit like trailers to camp in, and trucks to tow them with.
>Doesn’t let son hang out with peers outside of school and form crucial social bonds. Freaks out when he asks to, ranting about how he’s gonna get arrested for existing in public.
>throws him in a daycare so she can work her stupid, bullshit job. Kid gets raised by minimum wage daycare staff, instead of family members who love him

Man, what a therapy sesh I had this morning.

Welp, time to pick up my cross and bear it. Thanks a lot, el puta madre.

wasnt jean claude van dam a ballet dancer too

>>33402178
Good point anon. Maybe I’m not so bad off after all.

Just have to use my hatred as fuel if I’m gonna be even half as badass as Jean Claude Van Dam.

It’s just not easy to forgive somebody after they do something so…well, unforgivable.

If you look at it from a positive angle your mom put you in ballet classes so you'd become fit and graceful and be surrounded by athletic girls. Kind of hard to fault that

>>33402247
You could also listen to the kid’s answer when you ask him what activity he wants to do, and then do that.

>>33402220
Listen here, Billy Elliot, there's nothing wrong with taking some ballet in your youth. You don't have to be a faggot. Looks like your mom sucked, but at least you got some classes out of it.

Therapy can be hard. I think a lot of people have had adverse experiences, which can have been anything under the sun. You sound like a strong person per your description and it's impressive you're allowing yourself to be weak, which is what therapy sometimes involves. I think persisting from a childhood of neglect like this isn't a sudden decision obviously, but something that's maybe oftentimes a lot more layered in the sense that it's not overcome like winning a fencing duel or even like defeating a goliath like opponent in a way that's that definable and obvious. Nonetheless OP I think you're trying to do something good for yourself and that's admirable in itself in my opinion. I think most people at some point or another want to do what we oftentimes think of as "good" in a general sense, and that's what keeps my personal faith in humanity to some extent

>>33402302
Thanks buddy :^) same to you

Like Jordan Peterson said, we gain the courage to gaze into the darkness, and only then do we see the light so bright that it cancels out the darkness (other people with compassion and empathy)

I think everyone can benefit from therapy, counseling, coaching, or even just journaling.

>>33402170 (OP)
It’s ok dude :) you’re an adult now. It’s alright if you weren’t seen, or heard, or validated back then, because now your validation is made by you, for you :)

You can pay for your own braces and drive to your own appointments. You can go to whatever restaurant you choose and order any food you want. You can date and befriend anyone you want, and take up any hobby you want. You can travel to any country you want, and she can’t stop you.

One day she’ll die and none of this stuff will matter anymore.

Go live out your dreams, anon. Fulfill your potential, it’s something very few people manage to do.

Go on then, m8. Be the chad that you can be.

I was also forced to do early ballet that I hated but looking back it was kinda based, it is a more elegant graceful artform compared to the thottery these dayz

The rest sucks but like whatever? The dentist thing lmao my parents knew no such thing, doctors as well, but it makes sense since they didn't see a dentist til they were like 45. They did their best with the knowledge and circumstances they were in. And min wage job thing, lmao my parents had no choice but to (migrants land with like $3 on them)

I will say ur parent is a lot worse but ye, what can you do, it's ur life it's up to you now to make it rite

>>33402664
>>33402697

What these guys said, OP

Grow up. Treat yourself compassionately, like you’re your only son. But also, act forthrightly and hold yourself to high standards.

You know what she did was wrong, so be the antithesis of that, and watch your behavior to make sure you never stoop down to her level.

Sorry your mom’s a bitch. <— There you go. I validated your experience. It happened the way you say it did. Now move on.

Asking when a woman is going to discover accountability is like asking…what’s the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns? A: Well, those things don’t fucking exist, so it doesn’t matter lol

>>33402170 (OP)
My mother had 6 kids, neglected or flat out abused all of us. I spent the first 16 years of my life getting beaten, belittled, psychologically tortured, and sleep deprived because she refused to take any kind of disciplinary action against my older sister. I was treated like I didn't exist until it was beneficial to have a son or they needed a punching bag. One time I broke my nose and she just flat out refused to believe me, it's still crooked to this day. My teeth are fucked because she didn't care to use the government insurance she had to get me braces, there's a long list of scars and old injuries that come back once in a while these days.
I think it's because I was my father's only son, and he was even worse than her. She took out her pain and resentment towards him on me by letting my sister torture me for years.

Instead of remaining bitter and angry I strive to become the kind of person I desperately wished I had growing up. I'm tough as nails mentally and physically, shockingly charismatic despite being so introverted, love freely and openly and can fix almost anything. I have a beautiful fiance, a dog that I treasure, close friends and a job that kicks my ass and pays the bills. I enjoy my childish hobbies, indulge once in a while, and always stand up for the little guy where it's appropriate.

If you're going to let your past define you, make sure to acknowledge that you got through it and that was a CHALLENGE to overcome. You beat those challenges and came out stronger in more ways than you think, use those lessons in resilience to forge a better future for yourself.

>>33402834
saved. Thanks for writing that out for me. It's just not easy, I still live with her. It's probably one of the hardest things I've undertaken, and it's a long, comprehensive project that takes ages, like fixing teeth with braces, establishing financial security, and going to the gym for health and fitness.

>>33402170 (OP)
Sure, all those things happened and that sucks. But it's completely on *you* to move forward from that. Lets say that upbringing hypothetically led you to kill someone. Would "but my bitch mom did...xyz" work on the judge? No. You have free will. You're an adult. You are smart enough to see the roots of your issues and smart enough to seek help. Fuck your mom. But also fuck blaming your mom at this point, because you're not a bitch. You've got to rebuild yourself in the image of what you think your best version of self would be. "How would I be if my mom wasn't a total bitch and took care of me properly? What would I do? What would he be interested in? What type of job does he have? Where does he live?" You can imagine that shit, right? You can figure out exactly how that looks. Great. Now you know what you need to transform into. Now you know what you have to work towards. And now, you definitely know too much and are too self aware to ever truly blame your mother for a goddamn thing again because you know in the back of your mind: "damn, I could be this way if I worked towards it...I came up with it my own damn self. Fuck."

Had a very similar situation op, you have to be a man and provide for yourself. Take all the free (nutritious) food you can that fit your macros (try 1:1:1) and calorie goals. If youre the only one noticing these problems in your family, you have to be the one to fix it or at least let your family members know where youre coming from in a way that doesn't sound resentful. Nobody else can fix or bring attention to these problems but you. If they minimize your past/current issues maturely let them know it impacts you still, if they dont care, tell them they should just as much as you care for their issues. Ask wwjd constantly. Be a family guy, it matters a lot

>>33402975
Can we be friends anon? I can relate and I'm in similar situation...it's hard to find people who get it.

>>33403124
NTA btw, if you'd like I'll try and make an effort of typing out my story on my phone.

>>33402170 (OP)
but is she fat? 100% of my judgement will be derived from your answer.

>>33403078
>>33403100
>>33403124
Y’all are right…what did Ben Frank say? Imitate Jesus and Socrates. I won’t let her bad behavior make me a miserable, resentful person.

I think I’ve just been robbing myself of that liberty and independence…moving back in to get free rent has its advantages, but its drawbacks too. Being in the wild instead of at the teat really keeps you on your toes.

I wanted to get a good credit score, and save up fat stacks of cash, and I have. Then I wanted to get a manager job, and I’ve done that. Then I wanted to start working out and logging my diet, now I’m the guy who never misses a workout. But as we all know, achieving those things just makes that your new baseline.

I know I need to fight even harder, act more forthrightly, and sacrifice everything, but…what are the next steps?

Take a big dose of shrooms and confront what’s inside?

Also I’m down anon. I turned my back on all of my old friends because none of them were good enough for me lol


>>33403182
Come on, of course she is. You know it’s always the big, fat bitches that be acting this way.

>>33403262
well yeah but exceptions to every rule anon.

>>33403262
Disc is Inflammator

>>33403262
How old are you op?

>>33402170 (OP)
Is she still alive? You can have your revenge

>>33403380
27

>>33403262
You've done everything on the list except look within and build your self image, self confidence and mentality. You haven't done the inner work that truly transcends your past. You've done the external parts yes. But you've done fuck all for what's inside. And no matter how many therapists you see, they can only point you. YOU still have to do the work to rebuild your inner image to match your view of what your best self looks like. To add to those questions you should ask: "How does the higher version of myself *feel* as he goes through life." And you can, in a way, choose to feel that way now. Even though it may be hard and seem fake. Emulate what that feels like as you walk down the street or interact with people throughout the day. You have to jumpstart that and after a while of consistent dedication, it's just second nature.

>>33403501
You’re right, it’s gonna take forever too. I’ll have to do a complete recomposition of my life. I think it’s going to require a lot of conflict, too (both phys and emotional)

My job is a “chill gig,” but there’s no perks other than tips and samples. My boss undermines me as a manager, and all my coworkers aren’t shit compared to me. They have nothing to offer me. I owe it to myself to leave, because we become like the people we spend the most time around, right?

But the job market is so godawful. There’s rarely any postings in my industry, even.

>>33403655
>But the job market is so godawful. There’s rarely any postings in my industry, even.
So carve out a niche for yourself and go into business. There are still options aside from rotting away at a job you know you're better than. Part of the transformation you have go to through is beginning to respect yourself. That means finding an exit to this job. That means putting yourself first. That means doing now the things that you in 1 year, 2, 3, 5, 10, 20 years will look back and thank you for.
>I think it’s going to require a lot of conflict, too (both phys and emotional)
Perhaps, but that's not a reason not to do it.
> it’s gonna take forever too.
Probably not as long as you think. Another part of this is controlling your thoughts. What you project out onto your reality tends to happen. "Oh this won't work, this will take forever, this is bad, etc, etc". Why not be open to whatever may happen? Why restrict your outcomes? Just do it and see.

>>33403501
Not to sound defeatist…I still buff up my resume often, and do everything I can to deliver killer interviews. But the progress doesn’t come overnight.

Also how do you do that? With self-affirming quotes? Reminding yourself of things you’ve done that embody your values?

I’ve thought about this, a lot, I call it being The Man. What kind of lifestyle does the man live? Why, and how, does he not care about trivialities like mom and bratty coworkers? How did he bounce back from years of betrayal from his peers? How did he master his own tongue?

I’ve had a lot of “challenging experiences” with psychedelics and I think this is why. The shrooms are tearing down my falsehoods, and lies I tell myself, and biases, and encumbrances. They tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.

Pic unrelated

>>33403662
Entrepreneurship has been a long time coming for me…just not sure what I’d like to aim at. Ideally something portable so I can work anywhere I go, and something that makes a lot of money so I can rebuild even in the event I lost everything.

I’ve thought about becoming an arms dealer, a restomod mechanic, bounty hunter, hacker, armored truck driver, motorcycle instructor, private investigator, fraud analyst, repo man, tow truck driver…a whole bunch of shit, really. How do you figure out what you want to do exactly?

Something more than just dropping tills at a pot shop…in an engagement where I am and always have been disappointed by how it’s turned out.

>>33403439
Terrible advice, but good movie lol

The best thing you can do is move on and forget. You can't trust yourself to believe that the "challenge" is going to fuel your drive. Yeah it might give you a kick to do something but that will pass and you'll relapse. The hatred will surface again but you'll feel ashamed because you are back where you started.
>>33403262
This is a bad idea even though I wish you guys the best. Two wrongs don't make a right and I doubt it will do you any good. Find friends that had it well. To see how a functional not beaten up member of society looks like. We are the people we meet in our lives and if you are the collection of disfunctional and abusive parents, and their broken children you are going to be stuck in that loo forever. Move somewhere else and meet new people eventually, within a year or sooner, you'll realize she never mattered anyway.

>>33403866
What’s one way I can get started with that, tomorrow? Big or small?

Pic not related (or maybe it is. Motorcycling brings me joy and is one of my passions)

>>33403763
>How do you figure out what you want to do exactly?
Choose the one you're most interested in. If you're not sure: just pick one and start working towards it. You'll find out fairly quickly if you really want to do that thing. For example, I thought I wanted to mod Nintendo Switches as a side hustle. I'm very interested in it and started building a website to sell my goods. I modded my own console and started doing the trickier mods and testing that out. Turns out....while I like doing it for my own stuff, I don't really want to spend 8 hours per console doing it for others. I want to get away from tedious technical work and this was the opposite of that. So I put that aside to move on to something else. Sometimes you literally just have to start doing the thing and see to find out for sure.
>How do I do that?
I assume you mean how to do the internal work? You have to get to the root at why you feel x way about x thing. Start with thinking about what views or beliefs you have that are preventing you from moving forward. Then you have to delve deeper into why you even believe that thing in the first place. Does it serve you positively to believe that? Or is it a negative? Take blaming your mother as an example. I don't know enough about your life to give you other suggestions, but you should be able to pull those out yourself, analyze them, and work through them.

>>33403979
By the new year you have to move away. Well if you are not living with her (but I remember you saying you do) you can skip to the other second step. and that'll be getting to know new people. Moving away won't help in any way when you are going to stay isolated aka your whole universe is still going to be revolving around your mother and the hatred. If you like riding a bike find some groups in the area. But anything is good really. You'll be healed before you know it.

One more advice just in case. Meeting new people is really easy they just don't like two kinds of people terminally self-centered people and people who seem that way. This might be your problem. I'm not saying you are a bad person but that's what abuse and suffering does to mf. So ask questions and be interested.
God speed anon. You'll be better before you know it. It took me 6 months to get where I kinda wanted to be and really I could have done it in 2 if I hadn't spent the first three sulking. of course the hatred for me went away naturally after 7 years and then those six months of change happened. Our lives are the people we meet and if I hadn't changed my scenery I horrified by what would have happened to me.

>>33405001
I have a long trip planned across Europe, the Balkans, and possibly S.E.A. that’s coming up. Likely will last a minimum of six months, and cost at least ten thousand USD, but probably longer and also closer to fifteen. To me, it makes more sense to get that outta the way first, write my own myth, then switch jobs and domiciles after (current job is dogshit, but they’ve said they’ll let me take a long leave of absence for personal development and still keep my job, so it’d be daft to not get the exp points while simultaneously not doing any work)

It may seem like a waste of money and time, but while I’m still young and also have the money is the best time. Traveling and being the man was what I originally sought from my first career, anyway (which was fashion modeling)

But I will start making moves to advance myself in that direction, and thinking critically about my actions and my behaviors. I’ll also have to exercise my social skills, as I’m a really chatty and personable guy, just got unfairly deprived of a lot of practice. The way she treated me really echoed and rippled throughout my adult life. Abusive people love to say that we “allow people to treat us this way,” but the truth is, the abusers condition us to expect horrible, ugly treatment, and then we end up being right.

Do you recommend any resources or literature? I’m currently reading the book Atomic Habits, and I like to watch Jordan Peterson.

Pic related although I wish it wasn’t lol

>>33402170 (OP)
Kids should be made to learn some sort of skill like ballet. Everything else you mentioned was fucked up, but even broken clocks are right twice a day.

You know how to get good at something because you learned to dance. Some parents are just okay with their son drifting through life never learning any skills and inevitably failing because of it.

Again not saying everything she did was cool, but she was right on this point.

>>33405383
True, and she still adopted me and kept me alive when my bio-mom wasn’t doing a good job. I gotta give credit where it’s due.

And even though these basic principles of child-rearing have been well known for decades, she still lived in a different time with less access to good information.

I read a super niche research article this morning about dentistry, and how our teeth can remineralize and repair light damage. How a high level of calcium in the saliva can protect the teeth of a neglectful person. How the real reason people’s teeth are so crooked is because of the intermixing of different races (yes, really) These days you can find discourse on any subject with some googlefu, back then it wasn’t so easy.

Ignorant people don’t know what they don’t know. She did the best she could. Which means, cut her a break.

>>33402170 (OP)
You sound like a pussy OP

>>33405339
Atomic habits was good. Though I would stay away from Peterson nothing political about it I just don't think he has much to say. I've also read Keys To Human Nature which was quite an interesting read and a few books about having a conversation but really as the books have a lot of similarities mostly active listening. Which brings me back to the point that you shouldn't "watch" anything from the grifters and gurus on YouTube etc. Because I had an idea what active listening is from this one schmuck on YouTube with a rather big follower base and then I read one book and deep down active listening is much more nuanced then he led on.

>>33407796
Good point, I find active listening is about asking the right questions. Pertinent, interesting, and progresses the conversation. Been recommended that Greene book, too, might have to check it out.

I’ll have to put myself in uncomfortable situations and practice socializing. I’m really good at chatting with customers, a stranger at a bar is more difficult.

Real question is, why did this get extrapolated into an entire belief system, and affect my view of women as a whole?

People’s worldviews are shaped by the experiences they had.

Now, to unlearn all the scripts and conditioning that she instilled in me, so I can find friends/partners who are great communicators, empathetic, improve themselves every day, etc