i go through this start to feel like absolute shit self isolate then reach out 99% of the time i have nobody to reach out to and fuck it its definitely my fault but then i guess i get to the anger stage of greif where i want the world to burn away and since im not happy i want nothing but bad fortune on everyone else maybe shit sucks because i put bad energy out in the world but i font care anymore why care for a world that has never cared about me i want to drag everyone down why should i exit this cycle who should i get better why shouldn't i get worse i want to devolve into a cycle of pure self centered narcissistic hedonism because why does the world matter a world that hates and wishes to exploit me

Well it can only get better right

>>33402266
every single year i thought that life found a way to get worse

in my last years of highschool was depressed thinking i would be a failure and drop out with no friends then i found a friend group things bot better i was almost happy then turns out friends where just fucking snakes two used me to get closer to females then trashed me one stooped talking and just drifted away one expected me to take all her crap and never reply and the one i was closest with admitted she only talked to me to not feel alone and as soon as i had any form of trouble left me

thats one example i have several more hope is a poison that hides itself joy and executes mystery once past the bodies defenses

it is frustrating to find solace in other people

something that helps me is making things or cleaning my space

cleaning is nice because it is the most freely available direct display of the power you have over your own life and environment

>>33402295
i used to be creative but i think my writing is shit even when im objectively told its not because it comes from me it just turns to shit in my eyes even when ive been given highly positive feedback this compounds untill im so burned out i cant even attempt a creative prospect anymore because it makes the versions of myself that self hate so much stronger

i like cleaning sometimes its one of those things i just end up doing at 2am when i cant sleep any other time i find it tedious but thank you for actually attempting to help