Thread 33444936

I (32m) met my wife (26f) a couple of years ago. She's a mainland chinese, I'm an american.

Shortly before we got married, she got a job as an elementary school teacher. Shortly after marriage she quit her job due to the long drive and stress. After losing her job she went into a depression that's basically lasted until today. Some days she's better than others, but lately she's just been laying around the house and complaining about how hard life is and how she'll never find another job.

I've tried to be nonstop supportive. I work, cook, clean, and generally take care of her. I want to take our vows seriously but honestly after a year of this I'm on the verge of divorcing her.

Would therapy help her? Is there something I can do to help her? Or is this a lost cause? I'm at my wits end, no idea how to navigate this situation.

She's a super sweet girl and her parents have been great to me. Neither of us have family around here, which I think is contributing to this mess.

>>33444936 (OP)
don't try to be her therapist. She probably needs pressure and not support, or they just stop bothering and stay the victim. Lots of people from rural shitholes act like that. Get her therapy, but it just can be used against you.

>he fell for the meme that asian girls are not lazy leeches as soon as they get the opportunity
Lol
Lmao even
You did this to yourself

>>33444936 (OP)
Therapy might help. Medication might help. Get her to talk to her doctor to begin with.

>>33444936 (OP)
I won't read yellow fever threads posted by goofy, subhuman nerds.

Tell her that the mandate of heaven demands she get back to work in the mainland for China's prosperity

>partner falls on hard times
>instantly leave them
You're acting like a women or you just married them for the wrong reasons and didn't give a shit about them to begin with

>>33445888
It's been a year. At what point does it not become "instantly leaving them"??

>>33446446
>it's been a year
>a year
>singular
Get her to talk to a doctor. This isn't divorce-worthy until it's at least 5 years, really more like 10. Remember the whole "in sickness and in health" thing? This is the sickness part. You didn't think those were just some silly traditional words, did you?

What is the point of a healthy able bodied adult that doesn't contribute to the household? Tell her to start cooking and cleaning if she isn't going to bring in money. Love doesn't mean doing everything for a person. If you truly love her you need to give her the tools to help herself out of the hole she's living in. This includes forcing her hand, giving her purpose, and helper her when she stumbles. Allowing her to laze about will destroy your marriage.

>>33444936 (OP)
Bro, your wife is sick, and your vows say in sickness and in health. Now granted, you did marry a mainland Chinese woman, which is pretty low-tier. You could have at least gone for Hong Kong, but I forgive you for bringing this insider threat to the country. At least you aren't like my bro who works at Lockheed and strangely married a woman that looks like a model from China. He's ugly as sin and Autistic. That being said, your wife is probably not a spy and is just a peasant woman that yearns for the rice fields. The least you can do is take her to therapy, get her on meds if she needs them, and tell her that you're fucking there because your love for her is not conditional on her working or not, you fucking faggot.

>>33444936 (OP)
Sorry anon but if you stay together your children won't even resemble you,you should marry a woman your own species.

>>33445014
I am married to a mainland Chinese with a PhD and she absolutely is not capable of not working, even if I earn enough to support the household with our 2 kids.

>>33447649
>muh anecdotal evidence

>>33447656
her entire friends (and wechat local mamas) circle are hard working women, literally not a single unemployed one. that is already a bigger study sample than OPs wife alone

>>33444936 (OP)
Help her get a job or volunteer as teacher's aide or tutor. Schools everywhere would embrace someone to help with weaker students

Divorce

Chinese culture expects the man to financially support the wife/household. It's also in their culture for husbands to hand over their paychecks to their wives, so they can pay off bills, groceries, etc.

Source: am Chinese-Anerican and see this in a lot of Chinese families

>>33445014
Close friend had one of these. Absolute child brained woman. He eventually dumped her for it.
>>33444936 (OP)
Why did you get with her in the first place?

>>33448033
She mentioned this early in marriage and I simply said no. That was the end of it.

>>33448047
She was a virgin and very sweet.

>>33444936 (OP)
Try new things, she just needs something to do, something that gives her purpose and makes her happy.

>>33446568
Today I spent 2 hours getting her out of bed to take a shower. Idk if I can do this for 5 years.

>>33444936 (OP)
>I (32m) met my wife (26f) a couple of years ago.
marrying a complete stranger after 2 years

yeah bro just marry a complete stranger from a culture that's practically opposite yours after only 2 years of talking to her.

>>33452529
>Today I spent 2 hours getting her out of bed to take a shower.
NTA, this is literally textbook depression. Look for a CBT-focused therapist or psychologist. They can refer you to a psychiatrist if necessary. You can also ask them for resources on how best to help your wife and/or for couple sessions.

>>33444936 (OP)
>but lately she's just been laying around the house and complaining about how hard life
Make her nut. Its that easy. The more nuts the better.

>>33450853
How often are you sexing?

>>33450853
>She mentioned this early in marriage and I simply said no. That was the end of it.
maybe there is some underlying expectation remaining of this because you didn't discuss it enough

In China this is quite common, but it's usually a kid relying on their parents and refusing to work. it's called 啃老 (gnawing the old). Usually these kids can still get married tho as >>33448033 mentioned marriages in China still rely on the man for income and the wife to "stay at home and control the finances" (retarded logic). A career-driven woman in China is likely to be looked down upon by other guys and they won't be willing to marry her.

also I think I am getting into a situation like OP lol, my gf is Chinese 24, already graduated from uni 1 year and no prospects of a job, her family is completely willing to let her live off them as long as she wants. I am 21 and still have a year of uni left but I'm worried when I get a job she'll still have nothing and then will expect to move in with me and live off me.

>>33454960
About twice a week, not nearly often enough for me. I'll usually get her there before we actually begin, but she seems impossible to climax from actual sex unfortunately.

>>33456270
If it's in your means, consider going on a trip or getaway. Maybe she needs to see something new to help break the cycle.

>>33444936 (OP)
you can try couple's counseling to get to the heart of it, it could be a few things, but typically the only thing that can bring about a change in her is some kind of major transformation, tell her to get even a part time job just so she doesn't keep spiraling out.

>>33459787
We actually did just get back from a whole month long China trip, visiting her family. I thought that would be enough to get her out of her rut, but she fell right back in when we got back.

I worry that simply being in the US is the root of her depression and that she's in denial about it. But, she insists it's unrelated.

>>33461091
Is she doing any house work or leaving it ALL up to you? How does she react when you ask her to do her part?

All of this just confirms to me that I couldn't get just about any girl, but the RIGHT girl.

Stereotypes exist for a reason

>>33464486
She used to do half. Lately, I'm doing all of it.

>>33465453
I've called six therapists and none of them answered the phone, over the last week. I live in the los angeles hellhole general area so I assume everyone here must be depressed and they're all booked. Finally got through yesterday and she has a consultation meeting today at noon. Hoping she goes.

Last night we had a talk about it, and she breaks down crying calling herself trash and telling me she "would understand if we break up" saying she'd move back to China if I wanted her to. I told her I wanted her to get better.

Then she randomly drops a "why? I hate sex/handjobs/blowjobs, I don't clean, I don't cook, I don't work." I stopped and was like - huh? You hate sex/etc?? Since when??? I'm not understanding if this is part of depression or if she was being truthful or just hurtful.

Idk guys. In that moment I almost left her. I started googling about how divorce works in the morning. I'm honestly hoping she gets better but with some of the stuff she said, I had to question if she actually loved me at all.

>>33465501
>Then she randomly drops a "why? I hate sex/handjobs/blowjobs, I don't clean, I don't cook, I don't work." I stopped and was like - huh? You hate sex/etc?? Since when??? I'm not understanding if this is part of depression or if she was being truthful or just hurtful.
she's just trying to get a reaction out of you, depressed people love dragging others down with them. Get away from her. You're lucky you two don't have children yet.

and not to be offensive but hapa children are fucking ugly anyway

>>33465501
She was probably projecting her own worst doubts to gauge your reaction. Good she at least self realizes she has a problem and isn't in denial. Remember she is sick, so don't take her words to heart in this state.
As >>33466364 said misery enjoys company, so don't let her bring you down. Make her know you aren't shaken by her behavior, and knows she can recover to treat you better.

Did she go to the meeting today?

>>33468585
She did actually do the 15 minute call yesterday. When I got home she was telling me that she did not want to start therapy anymore. She said she felt like they just wanted her money and not to help her, said it was too expensive ($200 a session).

I told her it doesn't matter how much it costs and that it was very important to me that both: she at least tries therapy for a while and also that she gets some blood work done (to find any chemical imbalances).

When I said this she packed a backpack full of clothes and stormed out of the house. However after a couple hours she came back home crying and apologizing (the cycle continues).