Socializing as a mean asshole
I grew up quite isolated and my doc thinks I have high functioning autism. Despite that I'm actually quite well liked and extroverted. I'm a good chunk attractive and tall on top, which also helps. But here's the thing: I'm a very aggressive person. Not in a physical sense, I just feel sick when I have to consider someone's emotions in a conversation. Said something stupid? I'll feel tormented if I don't call you a retard. Said something hypocritical? I'll be angry with myself if I don't ragebait you for it. Said something comparing me to something lesser, even as a joke? I'll have to break down why you're a shit stain and nobody likes you. I'm fantastic at resisting these urges, but they build up and a lot of this anger often turns back pointing towards me if I force myself to keep quiet in the moment. Or I just distance myself from the people I have to insult completely, which they often don't get because to them it seems like I vanished without a reason. I often post hate in comment sections online as a coping mechanism to let at least some of it out, but it's obviously not nearly enough.