Thread 33487659

I've never told anyone this story but when I was 5 I was really obsessed with butts. I was chasing around my older sister trying to pull down her pants to see her butt and annoying her about it. I also chased around girls while in daycare.

One day a boy saw that I was obsessive and offered to show me his butt, which he did. This started a friendship where he'd show me on demand (I'd pull his waistband to get a look or we'd go somewhere private). I really liked it but I couldn't articulate it. I felt like I was looking at something "secret" I guess. It made me feel funny.

I started thinking about it again lately when thinking about how maladjusted and autistic I am in general with my fixation on butts. Around that time, or maybe a bit after, I realized that touching myself to those thoughts made me feel good, so I did it often, rubbing myself, which got the attention of teachers. I was punished for it so I did in private, but it never stopped, to the point where I can't even pinpoint when it became a "sexual" thing. There was no awakening. It was more of a gradual thing. One day I realized I came now, but the feelings were already there, and they've been stunted that way since. I masturbate a lot but don't desire sex. Sex has never really interested me.

It just feels very weird and wrong, since most people don't develop these feelings until later. I think whenever I shared these thoughts about butts (mine or others) to other kids they just looked at me weird. It wasn't a haha funny thing, I was just very oddly fascinated at that level of vulnerability, maybe even a bit of power over someone else. It makes me wonder wtf happened that I don't remember or have repressed.

>>33487659 (OP)
Pretty fucking gay dude

I feel like Im reading the thoughts on the literally retarded autistic kid in my high school who someone was allowed to take regular classes and frequently got in trouble for jacking off in class.

>>33487780
Nah I wasn't jacking off in high school, this was more of an early elementary school thing. I felt enough shame by third grade to stop

Whenever you think about it, think about this picture, admit youre a retard, say the words, "im a retard", and say ACK

>>33487659 (OP)
I also have a massive attraction to butts, particularly women's. In fact, I think it might jerk off to some right now!

>>33487659 (OP)
Most of that is within the bounds of "normal" because most of that was innocent. A 6 year old will do things that in an adult might seem obsessive (e.g. refusing to eat anything but alami for a month) or sexually unhealthy (e.g. saying dirty words with no idea of their meaning just because they're naughty)

>>33487659 (OP)
Give yourself peace, OP. You were a child. You wanted to see butts because as a kid, butts are silly and funny and concealed. And kids love to uncover secrets, any secret. You were just being a silly little kid. You were in the process of still learning boundaries. Kids love to break boundaries, yes it's a power trip even for a kid.

For you today as an adult it's a source of shame. And you whack off. People who compulsively whack off often do it to drown out shame or stress. So the two things end up cyclically related; you whack off to mask shame, you feel shame after whacking off. So you end up convinced you are sexually into the shameful thing you initially did.

Watch what happens when you lose the shame of being a butt hunter as a kid. You'll stop caring about it, and you won't even care to fap to it. You'll move on with your life. Which you should. Cuz you were just a kid. Don't put that kid version of (you) on mental trial as if he were adult. He was not adult.

>>33487659 (OP)
>when I was 5 I was really obsessed with butts
not that weird, dont overthink it because im not reading the rest of your post